[TFLN]: Twilight Edition

Some of these will make you laugh, some will make you cry, and some will make you laugh until you cry because you realize that you texted them and your "friend" totally outed you. Thanks Bitches.

(609): You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
(1-609): Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.

(910): is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise. <-- WTF?

(714): so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
(1-714): yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed... <--That touches a bit close to home.

(480): A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.

(202): he's my edward cullen
(770): I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.

(432): So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
(207): You need to stop watching Twilight.

(303): maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."

(440): We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
(1-440): I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!

(404): Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.

(904): I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
(1-904): It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.

Wow, they were so cute back in the day!

(847): And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
(1-847): I should injure you considerably. <--Bitches was not amused because she was sitting in bible study when I sent this.

(802): that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight <-- Is this a bust on KStew? Say it ain't so!

(310): my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet. <-- Sorry Mommy FC

(610): Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight? <-- Me back in March
(570): No <-- Bitches answer...oh, how time and threats change things

(937): I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again. <-- Sounds like a normal Thursday night for me

(210): Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head? <-- I don't think they do that sort of stuff in Utah.

On My Way To Lunch Today...

As I was walking out of the house I noticed a large envelope on my kitchen counter. I was about to get really pissed off because I had just finished cleaning up the kitchen and here was one more thing messing up the place. I haven't actually seen the surface of my dining room table since some time back in 2008, so the fact that I can see my kitchen counter is a big win. Anyway, I figured I would stop and check what this envelope was in case it could go directly to the recycling on my way out. And then I saw it...my name and the Luftpost (airmail) stickers. What the heck? I wasn't expecting any packages, especially not something from overseas. And then I looked at the return address, and who else could it be but my Twitter besty MrsVanquish! My heart began palpitating faster and faster. I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks (not those you naughty things...the ones on my face). As I ripped the envelope open with as much care as I could muster, I plunged my hand into the envelope to reveal a Robert Pattinson 2010 calendar! My breath caught and I let out a little squee! The BF asked what I received, and I lovingly showed it to him. There was an eye roll and then the statement, "That's not going in the bedroom." I quickly gathered everything up and headed off to lunch. I was bursting at the seams by the time I dropped by to see Bitches (actually she picked me up like a hitchhiker by the side of the road, but that's another story which isn't entertaining at all). Bitches was on her lunch break, so we had some time to peruse Mrs. V's precious care package. We also took some time to take some pictures with the dear Mr. Pattinson.

Things got a little hotter in the next set of photos. Between the laughter, Bitches' freaking out that her coworkers would find out (I'm sure they particularly liked it when I said, "just lick it already!"), and the obviously steamy poses, we were in pieces! Bitches had to go and turn on a fan to cool us down.

As I was trying to put the calendar away, I couldn't figure out why it wouldn't fit back in the envelope. Well lo and behold, there was more in the package! I eagerly fished the item out and found that it was a set of New Moon magnets. Bitches picked a particularly nice one of Mr. P. to put on her refrigerator. *Sharing is caring people.* I can't thank Mrs. V enough for these wonderfully delectable treats. Make sure to check out her blog and show her some love!

Rant Wednesday - We ♥ Rachelle

So I am starting my rant all over again...you were going to get a hot steaming pile of Jon and Kate do the UPS Store, but in light of the developments last night I give you:

WTF Summit?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Thanks wheatysgirl for the awesome pic.

Sign one of the many petitions to keep Rachelle Lefevre as Victoria in Eclipse. And if you have been hiding in a closet rocking back and forth in the fetal position waiting for the next chapter of Wide Awake and don't understand all of the hoopla blowing up on the interwebs, click here to find out what I'm talking about.

Petitions:
www.petitiononline.com/Rlefevre
http://301.to/600

And go crazy on Twitter! #BringBackRachelle

Okay, to change the subject, here's a little ditty that I saw a while ago and still makes me laugh. Please to enjoy.

Vanilla Sex...Part Two

Since Mr. Bitches Vanilla Sex Public Service Announcement was so well received last week, he has compiled another list in an effort to educate and possibly enrich our sex lives. Future Vanilla Sex Posts and other Public Service Announcements will be featured on Mr. Bitches new blog. Please to enjoy:

As a follow up Public Service Announcement, I have decided to provide more examples of "How to know if you're having vanilla sex." If you find yourself in any of the following situations, please make changes before it is too late.

This may look good, but doesn't the next one look better?

On to the countdown.....

1. You get happy when the spouse breaks out the chocolate sauce and whipped cream because you know you're getting a sundae.

2.You hear a buzzing sound coming from the bathroom and know its an electric toothbrush.

3. "I need to trim the bush" actually means going outside and cutting the hedges.

4. While watching 9 ½ Weeks all you can think about is how much cleaning up it's going to take in the kitchen.

5. It really is just a back massager.

6. Pearl necklaces go in the jewelry box right next to the gold ones.

7. Someone asks you about your toy chest and you give them a full account of the GI Joe's, Transformer's, and Hot Wheel cars your kids keep in it.

8. Dirty Sanchez is the homeless guy on the corner

9. Deep Throat was a political informant.

10. Dick's and BJ’s are fine shopping establishments.

And the Extra Bonus way to know you're having vanilla sex:

If you tie your husband to the bed... Wait for it... Only so you can watch Twilight in peace. You're having vanilla sex.

Pocket Edward Dazzles the Ladies

A couple of months ago Grandmom FC took Mommy FC, Aunt FC, and me on a bus tour of Philadelphia. This was actually my second bus trip with these fine ladies and I'm all over the bus tour now. The drivers of these buses totally mesmerize me...how they drive around hair-pin turns and back into a parking spot with mere inches of clearance on either side is beyond me. So, yeah, I guess I'm turning into an old lady (transformation will be complete when I get granny panties) because my cousins and I have definitely ridiculed our moms about the bus trips they go on. I digress, however. On our previous trip to the Biltmore Estate, PE did not venture much farther than my purse. I was much more confident on this second trip. We had a lovely lunch aboard the Moshulu before touring the murals around the city. I never knew it before, but Philly has the largest number of murals in the world (2,800!) and is definitely worth the trip. Okay, arts lesson over.

After excusing myself from the lunch table to use the restroom, I stealthily snuck upstairs and took some shots of Edward on the high seas. Okay, not really, we were anchored at Penn's Landing, but doesn't he look debonair? I tried some shots looking across the water to Camden, NJ, but those shots just didn't look good. You know how Jersey is...

After a quick stop at the bar, PE and I boarded the bus for the mural tour. PE was getting a little frisky as you can see from the pictures below.

These are the FC women...pretty hot right? I know...it runs in the family. Pocket Edward hopped right into Mommy FC's shirt pocket. How cute. Mommy FC seems to be enjoying the attention.

Then Pocket Edward jumped in between Aunt FC (yup...red hair runs in the family) and Grandmom FC. Everyone was having a good time. Grandmom FC (who turned 89 the next day...I know, I don't believe it either!) didn't quite know what to make of my beloved PE, but she's down with the kids and just rolled with it. I may need to give Mommy FC one of the Edwards to take on their bus trip of the Canadian Rockies since the ladies had such a good time.

And thus ends another wonderful photo op with Pocket Edward. I would like to personally thank Mommy FC, Grandmom FC, and Aunt FC for indulging my inner child. And, if you look at this page, please stop scrolling when you get to the bad unicorn post!

While the Cat's Away, Fire Crotch Will Play

The BF is away again this weekend at some game championship thing, so I figured it was time to do some redecorating. I mainly focused my attention on the bedroom. I spend so little time here (because I travel you naughty things) that when I come home, the bedroom is the first place I go.

This picture is the before. Don't you just love my generic Christmas-outfitted Snoopy? His name is K-Mart...one guess where I got him. Apparently I threw a fit in the store when I saw this adorable creature and my parents got him for me instead of giving me a swift kick in the ass. He's had some mishaps along the way, one being some makeup and an eye that keeps falling out, but K-Mart has been with me since I was a wee babe.

This is the after shot. Yeah, I totally covered up that beautiful hand-painted picture of the River Seine and the Eiffel Tower that everyone either has seen or bought while in Paris. I think I like the update. Très magnifique, non?

Okay, so I was too lazy to take the picture frame off the wall and actually put the Sexy Stars of Twilight poster under the glass for proper protection, but I figure this way it will be easier to switch out the picture. I swear that his eyes follow me when I walk in the room. Kinda creepy...creepy awesome!

And check out the view from my bed! Amongst all of the pics of my family and friends on my bureau, I can now see RPattz hotness staring back at me. Grandmom FC (with me in the gold picture frame) approves!

Oh, and what do we have here on the nightstand? Oh, it's RPattz. Right next to those books that I probably will never read because they aren't in my Kindle and my night cream for my poor cracked heels. Let's take a closer look shall we?

Um, so every time I see the picture in the bottom, I think of the phrase "choking a chicken" (kudos Jenny Jerkface).

And check it out...those three little pictures at the top spin around, so I can change Rob up any way I want. Amcas, please note the pic in the top left...still love your file name, heh.

I only wish I could be here when the BF comes home and sees what I have done. Seeing as how my urgings on Friday to grow out his hair and to take me to Comic-Con next year were greeted with suspicion ("Wait a sec, is this some kind of Twilight thing?"), I can't wait to hear what he has to say about the redecorating. He really should know better than to leave me home alone. Muwahahahahahaha!

Do NOT Google "Bad Unicorns"

So last night on Twitter (yeah, this is a totally gonna be that kind of post), someone started talking about unicorns (the lemony kind y'all). Actually, I believe we were all getting amped up about Amcas' awesome post for SSTB's Wide Awake discussion (it's week #2, still plenty of time to catch up on your reading). I guess working the night shift plus the added Twi-stress of Comic-Con and the RobWeekly pics that came out on Tuesday (I know, some of you don't like them, whatev, my blog, my rules) has finally cracked me up a little. I mean, look what I bought last night! (OMG, while looking for links to the stuff mentioned above, I see that they have New Moon birthday party supplies, squee!)

Anyway, I totally hi-jacked the Wide Awake discussion and took it to a whole new level. People were seriously looking for bleach for their eye-sockets after I was done with my unicorn peep-show. Without further ado, please to enjoy the parade of unicorns.

***WARNING: Not suitable for children or adults with weak stomachs.***

Thought I would start you out easy with a cute My Little Pony-esque unicorn and an adorable photo-manip. Who wouldn't be happy riding a unicorn?

What is with people and their weird ass tattoos? These both scream to me, "I lost a bet, and you got to tattoo me any way you wanted."

Yes, that horn is exactly what you though it was the first time you glanced at it. And I thought I would counterbalance with some sweet 1970s-ish unicorn-on-unicorn lovin.

I have no idea where this pic came from or why someone would do this, but it's seriously hilarious. And check out Rainbow Brite in the back!

Unicorn impaling a mime. Seriously, why does there always seem to be a rainbow around?

I don't really understand the unicorn impaling babies, but it strikes me as kind of funny.

I know this one was particularly disturbing to the dolphin lovers out there.

I call this one the Pièce de résistance. Yeah.

So, now that you are all blind, you can thank Amcas (check out her awesome blog here, 'cause she totally broke the RPattzp-Vodka shirt shizz) for the suggestion of showing my unicorn collection to you all. I will offer this final pic to cleanse your palate.

Um, seriously, after this pic, how can you still not think he's hawt? Oops, just had a unicorn.

New Moon Merch!!!

Okay, so I just finished working a 12 hour night shift and downed a caramel frappuccino from Starbucks, so I am highly caffeinated and somewhat sleep-deprived. However, sometime this morning (I think it was around 3 AM 'cause that's when I started sending zillions of emails to Bitches and SIL FC thinking they could talk me down...yeah they would be up at 3 AM...heh) I started receiving twitpics from TwiFans about some fabulous New Moon merch.

It's Pocket Bella and Pocket Alice! Man, Alice's hair looks flat.

And of course, Pocket Edward must make an appearance. He's pretty dapper if I do say so myself.

But, this fella was the one that really got me crazy. Pocket Jacob! If you haven't been following me on Twitter then you may not know about my ambition to have a Pocket Jacob doll. I really was hoping for a two-pack: one with Jacob being normal and one in his wolf form. Alas, no pics of that, but there's still time right? Neca, hear my cry...give me a Jacob man-wolf 2-pack! **Just a note, I am NOT Team Jacob, I just really want a wolf...I think it would make for some excellent photography**

Okay, so what was my next logical step? Send the pics to my friends? RT to my tweeples (in English that means retweet the tweets to my followers)? Yes and yes. Find out where to buy these bad boys and girls? Yes. The next step, well, I kind of went over the edge. I found a site where you could pre-order all 4 action figures. So I emailed Bitches and SIL FC to let them know about it and that I was thinking of pre-ordering them. I mean $64.99 is a steal really when you think about it. I have already documented the hours of enjoyment to be had with my current Edwards and Bella. So I figured I would favorite the link and come back to order them later. Well, about 20 minutes goes by and I email Bitches and SIL FC back to let them know that they will be the proud owners of the set as well. Oh, and of course I chose express delivery, heh. The items aren't shipping until October...just in time for the movie. Yeah, it's going to be a Twi-Christmas at my house this year, so what if it's in October? The BF doesn't know it yet, but he's totally getting a Forks PE t-shirt (he'll never know, just like his Napoleon Dynamite PHS PE t-shirt).

So now what am I worrying about? What will they travel in? 7 artist's models--erm action figures won't fit in my little pencil case. Obviously the Edwards and Jacob cannot travel in the same case. And like hell will the Edwards allow the Bellas to ride with Jacob...so I guess Alice will be stuck with him. This is quite the dilemma, but I know that I will be able to get through it with careful travel consideration for all parties involved.

Our New Addition

As Fire Crotch reported the other day, there was an incident involving Mr. Bitches, a heavy downpour, a new suit and a sunroof. That being the last straw, we set out to purchase a new vehicle. Since I know ya'll were waiting with baited breath, (ha) I'm excited to announce we made a decision and made our purchase last night. No, it's not a coveted Volvo, which Mr. Bitches now refuses to consider saying he doesn't want "the constant Edward reminder and comments." However, Volvo had been in the running in the past and since we have another vehicle to purchase coming in the future, I haven't given up. Anyhow, after much debate and bartering with one another, we chose a Subaru Forester and are most pleased with our choice.

Of course, PE had to check out the new addition and give his approval.

Scoping out the back before giving his final verdict.

As you can see, Edward fully endorses Subaru. Screw Volvo.

And of course, you must christen a new vehicle.

Edward & Bella gettin' it on in the backseat...dirty birds.

Just 'Cause...

Everyone else is doing it, so I wanted to too. I bring you my fav of the new US Weekly shots. And yeah, I'm late hopping on this bandwagon, but I was traveling today and had major airport snafus. So please to enjoy wetRob.

Oh, and can I get some tickets to the gun show please?

Afterward - Okay, so if these pics aren't your cup of tea. Check out what Letters to Rob has to say on the subject. They are absolutely hilarious!

Ahhh, New Car Smell!

So Bitches and Mr. Bitches are out car shopping this evening after an unfortunate incident with a sunroof and lots of rain last Friday. You all remember Mr. Bitches, right? He did that awesome guest post last Thursday. Anyway, according to Mr. Bitches' Facebook status this morning they are deciding between a Honda Insight and a Jeep Compass.

Both of these options are both exceptional vehicles...the Honda for it's hybridity (yeah, I just made that up...better get it on wiki ASAP) and the Jeep for it's well, 4x4 all-terrain badness (good for driving on the NC beaches I s'pose).

But, since I am doing this post without Bitches knowledge and/or approval, I figured I would throw my 2 cents into the ring. How about a beautifully equipped Volvo C30? Please let me introduce you. It has four generous seats (generous enough for my tuchas?), a high performance audio system, first-class safety, distinctive R-design (WTF is that?), and gets 28 mpg.

I definitely think this is the car for the Bitches family. I mean who cares that it doesn't have 4 doors and that hauling a baby in and out of that sucker would be a bi-atch. (*Just a note in case any parental units are reading this...I do NOT have any information confirming that the couple is preggers. Although my cookie baby is coming along nicely!*)

I totally think that any car good enough for Edward Cullen to drive like 2 mph through Port Angeles (You all know what I'm talking about right? He was totally driving like a grandma, well not mine, she drives like a bat outta hell) is good enough for Bitches. So, I ask you all to please help me campaign for the Bitches family to purchase a C30. I mean how badass would it be to show up to theater when we go to see New Moon in one of those? 'Nuff said.

Burn it to the Ground!

So after being shut out of seeing the New Moon trailer at The Proposal last weekend, I was hopeful to see it at Harry Potter this evening. Nay, hopeful is not really what I was. I believe I may have on more than one occasion via Twitter threaten to "burn the theater to the ground" if I didn't see the New Moon trailer. A little extreme, I will admit, but how many tens of dollars do I have to shell out to see this trailer on the big screen? This isn't my first foray into threatening to burn something down. I previously wanted to burn down a Dairy Queen because every time I went there they were out of some key sundae ingredient. What key ingredients do you ask? Oh, a little thing called chocolate ice cream, another time is was chocolate sauce, and another time it was chocolate jimmies (not to be confused with rainbow sprinkles). I actually told my mom the next time we go to that Dairy Queen and they are out of something, that I would burn it to the ground. Luckily, they had every ingredient necessary to make my sundae, so they were safe that day. Okay, enough about my irate pyro ways. I did see the trailer and was happy as a clam for the rest of the movie.

Okay, so the movie. Seeing as how I haven't read the books in a couple of years and basically whatever I read pretty much drops out of my head as soon as I move onto my next book, I needed a little refresher on the Harry Potter-verse. I didn't feel I could commit to watching all of the movies this past week, so I figured I would go online and Google it. Yeah, well, instead of doing that I spent that day doing laundry, paying bills, and oh, watching a little movie called Twilight. It's called six degrees of Harry Potter okay? Totally related...I mean Rob Pattinson was in a couple of those Potter movies. Alas, it was time to meet my girlfriend (who admitted that she finally started reading Twilight this morning!) at the theater. So, not really remembering the book, I was going into this kind of blind, but I was ready to be entertained. The movie was great. But mostly I remember thinking that the people who did the makeup for the HP movie should have done the vampire makeup for Twilight. I mean, damn, don't these people look like vamps?

We're not vamps, but we are magical creatures! L to R: Draco, Snape, Tom Riddle, Harry and Hermione

And then I just started looking for random Potter stuff and happened on this action figure. Look at the craftsmanship. Does it remind you of anybody? Pocket Edward perhaps? Look at the opposable elbows, the legs that don't move, the painted on jeans, and non-removable jacket. I wonder if Harry's wang, er I mean wand (yeah, my funny referring to ming reading), detaches from his hand. Probably not. Who do you think would win? Harry does have a stand so, sure footing could be his greatest advantage (you bitches all know how tough it is to get PE to stand up on his own!).

Okay, well, I hope you all enjoyed my Harry Potter review. If you didn't and want a real one, hop on over to COD Widow's blog. If you did like it, leave me a comment! I know you lurkers are out there...why don't you just leave a little comment love? Who knows...perhaps we will become besties and I will send you a copy of the Sexy Stars of Twilight. Seriously, I did that for Mrs. V. And if you got here because you Googled jail bait...sorry!

Does Pocket E Photography Count as Art?

As I was rushing through security to get to the airport bar and down a beer before my flight (those pre-flight beers can be a savior...it can either say, hey don't bother me or I might throw up on you or hey I'm ready for a good time...just depends what kind of eyes you give the person sitting next to you) the TSA agend behind the scanner machine says, "Ma'am, are you an artist?" I was thrown off by a couple of things:

1. Ma'am? Wow, throw some cold water on my hot flashes why don't ya? Yeah, so I guess I'm not the cute young thang that I thought I was. Since when does 30 constitute ma'am? I'm still a miss fo' sho! I mean just because I bought a full coverage granny bra last week that has 2 hooks in the back and nice thick straps does NOT mean that I'm an old lady!
2. Artist? What the eff? Where is this coming from? After my confused expression, the TSA agents says, "well, I thought maybe you were because of the models in your bag, you know like those wooden models used for sketching?"

Help me! I've fallen and can't get up!

I'm obviously still confused until I remember what's in my laptop bag...oh yeah the Pocket Es and B. Yeah...if she only knew. I guess my Pocket E photography could count as art, right? I immediately break a sweat because I am starting to fear the dreaded TSA bag search. You know what I'm talking about. They put on those blue gloves (like you have random body fluids in your bag?) and take everything out and put it on display for everyone to see. I figure I am doomed because my watch already set off the metal detector when I walked through. The gods must have been smiling because the TSA agent dropped the whole deal and let me get my ass down to the bar. Another crisis averted!

Look at my super-cool x-ray like effect. Okay not really, but I'm still learning!