Share our love of handbags, books, and all things gossip...okay, and Twilight too.

We're two delightfully crass gals who spend an inordinate amount of time texting and e-mailing one another throughout the day. We've decided to expound on some of our best work. Please to enjoy.

Vanilla Sex?

The following is a Public Service Advisory from Mr. Bitches:

Since I made a comment today about Jon and Kate having Vanilla sex, I thought it only appropriate for me to point out the top 10 ways to know you are having vanilla sex. I really don’t want anyone to fall into this horrible travesty which often leads to the man going after a 22 year old hottie or the woman to lust after shirtless vampire boys.

1. You yawn during sex.

2. The wife screams “Oh God” followed by “I left the stove on!”

3. Your kid has to give YOU the birds and the bees speech.

4. When someone asks you your favorite position and you answer “there’s more then 1?”

5. You believe the clitoris is still “The Big Myth.”

6. Unicorns, Harry Potter, and multiple orgasms…. All Fiction.

7. You ask your husband if he has any fantasies and he replies “Yea, I have 3 fantasy football
teams, 2 baseball and one basketball.”

8. You own a Sealy Posturepedic bed and you don’t knock over the wine glass on the corner.

9. When a couple talks about spanking you ask them what their kids did wrong?

10. If your husband says he wants to “eat out” and you get your coat and wait in the car.

And my personal favorite:

The “rabbit” is a pet you keep in a cage in the back yard and a bullet is what goes into a gun.

Ok, this raises a question for me. Since I most definitely don't fall into the "vanilla" sex category...more like Rocky Road with sprinkles and the occasional spritz of whipped cream and cherries...what's my excuse for becoming obsessed with a "shirtless vampire boy?"


Mrs. Robward said...


Effin Hilarious!

I heart #6! *wink*

Sadly, sometimes my sex is vanilla bean, which is just a more flavorful vanilla!

I lust me one sparkly British vampire boy!


Fire Crotch said...

This is an awesome post! I especially love the pics. Why do I suddenly feel the need for rocky road on a waffle cone? Oh and the reason you are now under the spell of a shirtless vampire boy is because he wants you to be. Heh. He just draws us in like a moth to the flame.

caring erratic hairbrained mom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tasha... said...

HAHAHAHAHAA! This is some funny shit!

I'm with ya Bitches, my sexy times are mint chocolate chip with extra hot fudge in a white chocolate-dipped waffle cone. (As proven by J's unrelenting hickeys! Asshole.) And I do quite often go "drooling crazy lady" over shirtless vampire boys. I'm not sure what I'm craving or ice cream?

caring erratic hairbrained mom said...

Love #9 How did you get Mr. Bitches to post, Hot Fudge Sundae sex??

Latchkey Wife said...

OMG, that was fucking awesome... loved "The “rabbit” is a pet you keep in a cage in the back yard and a bullet is what goes into a gun."

Mr. Bitches said...

I just want to point out so there is no confusion..... I wrote the post but Mrs. Bitches added that last paragraph!

Anonymous said...

ROFLMAO.. STilll laughing!

Bitches said...

@Mrs. Robward...There's nothing wrong with some vanilla bean sex, it's a good staple! Just have to skank if up sometimes...

@FC...dude, do you have any ideas how much porn I had to weed through to score pics?! Go to & search "boring" or "bad"'ll wanna jab your eyes out with safety pins.

@Tasha...What is with boys & their desire to leave hickeys?! I had one a while back beside my lip & I looked like I'd smudged my lipstick for days. Not. Cool.

@caring erratic...Nothin wrong w/a good spanking! Mr. Bitches had a shirt made for me a while back that says "I enjoy a good spanking" heh
He actually volunteered, not that he wouldn't have been in receipt of some Hot Fudge Sundae sex either way...

@Latchkey...Perhaps it's TMI, but, I must say that the "bullet" is the best invention ever.

Bitches said...

@Mrs. Robward...oh yea, about #6, I thought it wise of him not to put Edward Cullen in that category.

Bitches said...

@Mr. assured, you'll never fall into the travesty of vanilla sex : P

Tenacious V said...

Hey, Bitches, I could have saved you some unfortunate porn-viewing--I have a very unfortunate banana play picture from my bachelorette party. Except I wouldn't want that posted on the internet, so...never mind.

#8 is totally my favorite.

Jessie said...

Lmao, Love it!
And if anyone should need a "rabbit" or "bullet" I will glady "hook you up". Been in business 12 years.
And I agree the "bullet" is the best invention!
Quick, Fast & In a Hurry - Take me anywhere! LOL

Mr. Bitches said...

Tenacious V, #8 is my second favorite one. I cant tell you how long I cracked myself up when I thought of it. I know people were looking at my crazy when I just started busting out loud.

Annie said...

This post was awesome! #10 made me giggle. I confess to once being very much vanilla. But thanks to college & a little educational show I like to call "Sex and The City," I am now a proud banana split girl. ;)

I may or may not be googling the "bullet" right now. Just saying.

cutie said...

I LOVE THIS! Holy Haberdashery where was I?! Probably working on WA but who the freak cares about that right now.

Mr. Bitches is cracking me up the mostest, I think your comments are my favorite part FOR SURE! That's what I've got and that's what I am sticking to. :)

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