Share our love of handbags, books, and all things gossip...okay, and Twilight too.

We're two delightfully crass gals who spend an inordinate amount of time texting and e-mailing one another throughout the day. We've decided to expound on some of our best work. Please to enjoy.

Vampire Baby Names

Everyone is having one right? No? Well at least in my circle of friends babies are more abundant than fashionable Coach purses (and that's saying a lot because we have some real purse-whores: me, Bitches, and Tenacious V). Every time I turn around these days I seem to have a baby pictures, baby diapers, or Baby 'R Us gift lists shoved into my hot little hands. Now, don't get me wrong. I love me some teacup humans...I'm just super happy when I can hand the kiddos back to their rightful owners and skip off into the sunset with my own children (read: doggies and BF).

And when one of my most fashionable pregger pals decided to name her offspring Emmett, Bitches and I could not have been happier. And yes, we totally know that you didn't name your child after Emmett Cullen, but we can dream can't we?

So, that got me thinking...alright not so much thinking as googling vampire yodeling, vampire a...vampire b... Seriously, I was going to go through the alphabet until I found something interesting. And then up came sites for vampire baby names.
I understand that naming the fruit of your loins is usually a personal and sometimes excrutiating process. If you or a loved one is having a baby and is having trouble coming up with a name, I humbly submit the following:

Acheron, Alabaster, Amaranth, Argent, Ashes, Autumn, Abyss, Aura

Babylon, Belladonna, Blade, Bliss, Blue, Brink, Battle

Calamity, Chalice, Chaos, Chapel, Cinder, Crimson, Cyan, Century

December, Drachen, Drakkar, Draven, Dream, Dred, Dusk, Draegan

Ebony, Echo, Eclipse, Edge, Ember, Enigma, Essence, Eternity, Eventide

Fate, February, Forest, Forever, Friday, Frost

Garnet, Glacier, Glimmer, Gossamer, Gotham, Grail, Granite, Grey, Gusty

Hades, Hail, Halo, Haven

Icy, Imperia, Infinity, Innocent, Ivory, Ivy, Illusion

January, Jett, Jezebel, Jinx, Journey

Kaige, Kandyl, Kindle, Kindred

Labyrinth, Lace, Layre, Lazarus, Legacy, Legend, Leviathan, Lithia, Locke, London, Lore, Lucifer, Lucretia, Luna, Lynk, Lullaby

Maleficent, Mayze, Memory, Mercy, Midnight, Mink, Mirage, Mist, Monday, Morrow, Mystery, Myth

Nebula, Noire, November, Nightshade

Obsidian, October, Omen, Onyx

Pandora, Panther, Pardon, Parrish, Payne, Pentecost, Peregrine, Prysm

Rain, Ransom, Rapture, Rave, Raven, Refuge, Remember, Requiem, Rogue, Rosary

Sabbath, Sable, Sabre, Salem, Salvation, Satin, Scarlet, Seraphim, Shadow, Shayde, Siberia, Silence, Silver, Smoky, Snow, Solitude, Solstice, Spirit, Steele, Stone, Storm, Stryker, Sunday

Talon, Tempest, Temple, Thorne, Thunder, Trilogy, Trinket, Tsunami, Tuesday, Twilight, Tranqility

Vail, Velvet

Whisper, Willow, Winter, Wish, Wolf

Zaphara, Zen, Zephyr, Zillah, Zima, Zurie


I like to think that I have had a successful career so far with baby naming. I helped name my own nephew after 007. My brother was really gunning for Chuck Norris...glad they settled on Sean Conner. So if you need any help naming your baby, please let me know. I offer a free of charge baby naming service because everyone should have a Thorne Pentacost or an Imperia Kindred in the family tree.

Yup, this is totally can thank Amcas

Let's Play Dress-Up

You know you wanted one when you were younger...well, okay, maybe it was only me. I totally wanted a Samantha American Girl doll. Every November when the giant catalog came to the house I picked Samantha and all of the accessories that I felt were necessary. Of course she needed her steamer trunk and the bed, plus her ice skating outfit, oh and her horses. Well, Mommy FC, er, Santa Claus, never came through with the American Girl Doll or an EZ Bake Oven, but nothing was too good for my niece. She has 3 or 4 American Girl dolls (which she no longer plays with, I might add). But before her wonder wore off, I ended up on AG's email list. And guess what? They have Halloween outfits for your doll. Alas, no vampire outfits, but I was able to find this little ditty.

Cute,huh? At first I thought she was a nice little Pilgrim girl, but with a few additions, voilà! Vampire! I know, I Photoshop skills are pretty awesome. I was going to try my hand at making a Cabbage Patch Kid into a vampire, but I didn't want to blow any minds. And take this as a NOT google vampire dolls. If you thought
bad unicorns were scary, then consider yourself forewarned.

Those vampire babies really freak me out. Most of them look like hot tranny messes. But believe me, these are pretty mild. Continue at your own risk!

Earth to US Weekly: Megan Fox Makes Me Baby Barf

As I was perusing my copy of The Sexy Stars of Twilight New Moon edition the other night I gasped. Wondering what was wrong, Mommy FC scampered over to the couch to see what could have upset me so. (She had already looked through the entire bookazine and still 3 days later can't get over baby Tay Tay's muscles at the nubile age of 17.) What made me start dry heaving while looking at the Precious II? Surely not the high school yearbook pics of the cast and Stephenie Meyer, or Tay Tay's dad "cheering" on the Red Wings, or the Rachelle v. Bryce as Victoria pictoral smackdown. So what was it? A small picture of Megan Fox leering over Rob with the quote, "I would eat Rob Pattinson so that I could steal some of that pretty." GAG!

I'm not sure what happened to me, but when I came to this crazy bitch was clutching my hand and whispering about stealing my pretty.

Why oh why oh why did US Weekly have to marr the wonderment of this magazine with Megan Fox? I baby barfed in my mouth a little. I told Mommy FC that I hate Megan Fox, and then she said, "FC, hate is a strong word, I know you don't mean that." Wow, I have been away from home a long time. I do hate Megan Fox. She is just ridiculous. When I picture hell (don't tell me you haven't), Megan Fox is sitting at the right hand of Beelzebub, scantily clad with a whip. Why she needs a whip, I have no idea because she is just going to drive you to utter madness with her crazy talk.

I never convinced Mommy FC that it's really okay to hate Megan Fox (but mentioning that she has a 22" waist did seem to tip the scales in my favor). Here's hoping that Megan Fox falls down a hole and journeys to the center of the earth until after the Sexy Stars of Twilight Breaking Dawn edition comes out.

Mrs. V is the Shizz

As I opened my teeny tiny mailbox on Thursday night I was a little irritated because there was so much stuff crammed in there that I mistakenly thought my AMEX bill was only $400...whoops, better flatten the bill out...yikes...try $4,000. Okay, so anyway, why was my mailbox so chock full? Was it the Good Housekeeping magazine (I don't know why I have a subscription to this...I think Mommy FC sent it to me), the weekly coupon saver, or perhaps it was the 20 pieces of junk mail from Geico..yeah, just leave me alone already. You suck and I won't be coming back. For real life.

But alas, what really clogged up my mail hole was a large envelope...with air mail stickers...from Germany...from Mrs. V! And what was inside? Well, these pretties!

One for me and another one for me to cut up and frame and hang over my bed (okay, not really, but if Bitches doesn't pick her copy up promptly, there is no telling what might happen)! As I was telling Bitches all about the awesomeness in front of me, I flipped through the entire magazine. Apparently the French like cartoons...nekkid cartoons.

French cartoons
I really need to learn French because I need to know why that one woman (left page middle) is pulling what looks to be tampons that are tied together out of her ass...or not. Thanks Mrs. V!

Twilight v. New Moon Smackdown!

So remember back in July when I ordered 3 sets of New Moon figures for Bitches, SIL FC, and myself? And how they weren't supposed to be shipped until October? And how I didn't know how I would transport them? Yeah, well, guess who got a phone call last week from the online toy store? That would be me. Apparently there was a problem with my order...I gasped. Out loud. At work. Loud enough for coworkers to surround me with worried expressions and ready to offer words of encouragement for whatever catastrophe had befallen me. AWKWARD!

So, I called the toy store later that night at their new 800 number only to find that no one was answering. I got a bad feeling that someone had duped me and that I was out a bunch of money and my New Moon figures! Ahh! But I did not give up all hope...I called again the next morning. Apparently they had to confirm that I was over the age of 18 and to get the security code on my AMEX. I guess they have had a lot of tweens calling up and ordering multiple sets of action figures?

So they arrived last Thursday, and I couldn't wait to get home and see my new action figgies. I tore open the box with my near-Herculean strength and plunged through the layers of packing popcorn and finally snatched them free from the box of hell. The BF rolled his eyes as per usual. Upon further inspection, these figures are kind of angry looking. And then I got thinking...who would win in a Bella on Bella slap-fest?

And...the ladies are off! New Moon Bella's thicker, fuller hair and barely there tank top easily make the first move. Oooooo...New Moon Bella just slapped Twilight Bella into next week! TB barely even got her arm up to retaliate! Will this be the end?
...and Twilight Bella is down for the count! The guys seem to be getting a real kick out of the girl fight. Alice doesn't seem too pleased about things. Perhaps she wanted a piece of Twilight Bella...I think she could totally take her down. We may have to schedule another smackdown.

Who do you want to see in the next Smackdown?

NM Edward v. Twi Edward
NM Edward v. NM Jacob
NM Alice v. Twi Bella
Sunglasses Edward v. NM Edward

View Results

New Moon Nightmare

After realizing last week that I may have to work the night of the New Moon premiere, my level of angst over the movie has risen to DEFCON 2. Prior to reclaiming my Twiginity, I watched the original New Moon trailer and was somewhat dazzled (not just because of the prime JBone screen time). My hopes were high, and I couldn't contain my excitement over the movie. But as time has gone on, doubt has crept into my mind. The same person who wrote the Twilight screenplay also wrote New Moon and now Eclipse. And we all know how Twilight turned out. How many movies have you watched where the best parts are in the trailer and what's left in the movie just sucks? What if that happens with New Moon? I think I might die. So yeah, I'm kind of freaking out.

So when I woke up in a cold sweat the other night clutching my bosom and breathing heavily, you can understand my state of mind.

Well, I wish sexsomnia was my problem...yeah it's apparently a real sleep disorder. Wiki that shit.

No, I had a nightmare about the movie. Bitches and I were at the premiere with our WBPH t-shirts, action figures, cameras, and peanut M&Ms to use as ammunition against unruly tweens. We were finally allowed to file into the theater after waiting outside for hours. We scurried up to the top row in the middle (we were first in line natch) and readied ourselves for the movie event of 2009. While the previews played, Bitches shushed the tweens into silent submission, and then *gasp* it BEGAN! The movie started out okay, but as time went on, it morphed into some sick and demented movie featuring Megan Fox where she ate Edward. I wanted to claw my eyes out and gnaw my fingernails off. Yeah, so the cold sweat and unstable breathing was totally called for, no?

Luckily, we are still 59 days away from the premiere and Megan Fox has just bombed at the box office. I think it's safe to say that she won't be making an appearance in New Moon. Perhaps I need to chill a little and take an Ambien before bed.

We Need a Twilight FB Game!

Tired of seeing how many animals your friends have birthed in FarmVille or how many people they have iced in Mafia Wars on your Facebook News Feed? Don't know what I'm talking about? How about getting cell phones and designer shoes from your sorority sisters? Or being recruited to join someone's vampire clan. Still don't know what I'm talking about? Then I guess your friends don't waste as much time on Facebook as mine do.

Now, I will admit that every once in a while I get a wild hair and join a bunch of crazy groups or take a lot of innapropriate quizzes. Some of my favorites are Not Being Impaled, Not Being on Fire, Being a Smart Ass, Butts!, and of course CHEST HAIR!!!!

The picture had me at Hasselhoff

I just can't get into these games. I ignore every request to join and fit in with the crowd. But then a thought struck me. What if we had a Twilight Fan Fic game? I would be happy to fill up my friends News Feeds with Twilight game notifications. I'm thinking the app could be a choose your own adventure type of game. You could interact with your favorite characters from the Twilight fanfic-dom and go on all sorts of exciting trips. You could shop with Alice, get pierced by Tattward, spend some time with Domward, and enlist your friends to go kick some Volturi booty. I could spend some serious time with this kind of a game. I know there are lots of talented peeps out there, so someone should definitely get on this stat. Just think of the statuses that you could post from the game:

Fire Crotch just sent ball gags to 5 of her friends in Naughty Twilight

Bitches needs help killing Bella's mom in Naughty Twilight

Fire Crotch just got her clit pierced in Naughty Twilight and is offering a bonus to make you hot as she is.

Um, yeah, okay, maybe this needs to be toned down a little for Facebook, but you get the picture right? Anyone else on board?

Wanna Be a Vampire?

After scouring the interwebs for hours looking for the perfect pictures to compare the new Vampire Diaries hunks with our beloved Edward Cullen and Angel (seriously, check out the eyebrows on Stefan people), I finally checked out the CW's website. I finally got some good pics. Seriously, check out the similarities between Angel and Stefan. Do I really need to point out the eyebrows, the lips, the smoldering pouty puss?

After some more goofing around I happened upon this nice widget. I will warn you, you're going to spend a couple of minutes with this, but it's totally worth it right? Okay, well, maybe only worth it for those of us who have no idea how to Photoshop anything.

And I totally have to share my vampire self. Hot right?

Of course I took it upon myself to vamp up Bitches too! You. Are. Welcome.

Sweet Redemption

Less than 48 hours after I began, I am finished. Well, done with the available chapters that is. Don't get me started on THAT. I feel as though I have a major case of blue balls waiting for the next chappie. Besides the cockblock, I absolutely LOVED The Office. I was addicted immediately, and couldn't put it down. I am also in love with the Beautiful Bastard. *sigh* FC was right when she said I needed to stock up on La Perla. I'd barely been reading a few minutes when I arrived at some yummy panty soaking bits and it pleased me greatly that they were quite frequent from then on. I also enjoyed seeing a different side of Bella. She seemed to grow a pair, she didn't allow him to walk all over her and was quite sassy. A gal after my own heart.

Just a few minutes ago, I was checking out one author's blogs when Mr. Bitches came up behind me. He was like, "that's a boob!" When I explained that this was one of the author's sites, he was delighted and said he wanted to read whatever *that* was. When I told him it's an actual story that includes smut, he said "I don't care, so long as there's action." Nice. Might I remind him of his fine collection of Letters to Penthouse he might appreciate a bit more.

I've now decided that my next conquest shall be The Submissive. Not only have I heard that it's excellent and full of smut, but it's also complete.

Oh, yea, I also have an irresistible urge to go shopping for panties...I'm thinking this weekend. I have an idea Mr. Bitches won't mind!

The Results Are In...

And the winner is The Office by tby789! Bitches better stock up on La Perlas because she is in for a wet and wild ride. Oh, and if you haven't checked out tby's blog today, you definitely should...that's all I'm saying (unless you are under the age of 18...shame on you!).

Oh, and because I suspect that Bitches hasn't even started reading yet, make sure you annoy check in with her on
Twitter to make sure she isn't slacking. Perhaps I will force ask her to post her progress every couple of days. For those wonderments of smut that weren't chosen in this first go-round...have no fear...Bitches will be reading them all. Mwuahahahahah! Thanks for voting!

And on another topic entirely, who is excited about the season premiere of
Glee tomorrow night? Don't know what Glee is? Missed the pilot episode? Then check out the Glee wiki and watch it with me tomorrow night! Woot!

Kickin' the Tires of the Regal Cinema

Much like everyone else, Bitches and I were very excited about the New Moon ticket pre-sale last week. Actually, Bitches was worried all week and finally sent me this email on Friday:

To: FC
From: Bitches
Subject: NM Tix

Ok, I was thinking about this the other day & the Twitarded girls said they just got we need to purchase our New Moon tickets now? Have you heard anything in regards to them going on sale in our area? I know it's a couple months away, but I'd be beside myself if we didn't get the midnight showing. I must look into this. I also think we will need to get to the theater early in the evening & camp out for good seats. I'd knock out a set of teenyboppers & risk arrest before sitting in the front. Ok, just had to get that off my chest. I feel much better now.
As I was working nightshift last week and was pretty much out of the loop, I immediately went online and found the tickets. But there was a big problem. The tickets are only being pre-sold for one theater in our area...the Regal Cinema. And of course it isn't our normal theater. So Bitches and I went back and forth all weekend and just couldn't make a decision. Finally we decided we just had to experience the theater. So last night we went to see a movie. We weighed the pros and cons of going to the Regal instead of the AMC.

And they said I wouldn't learn anything in business school! Pretty evenly matched wouldn't you say? In the end, the loveseats, the pre-sale, and the potentially un-ghetto crowd totally won out. Bitches better keep the armrest up...we may need to hold each other when Edward goes away *tear*.

The Rumors Are True: Please Help Me Redeem Myself

It's true. The only piece of fanfic I have read is Wide Awake. *hangs head in shame* Quiet down, quiet down. It's shameful, I know. Ever since FC mercilessly outted me on Twitter the other day, it has weighed heavy on my heart. Before you judge or blacklist me, I'm convinced I wouldn't be in this position if they came in book form. I'm not a fan of coming home after a long day of staring at the computer screen, only to continue the torture in the evening. No matter how many unicorns are involved. And while I have a crackberry which is an amazing piece of technology and a portable vessel in which fanfic could be easily accessed at any moment, reading more than a few pages isn't something I enjoy. Then, there is the bain of my existence, The Man. The Man has made the last months of my life absolute torture, and to be honest, after a long day of fuckery my brain discontinues functioning and all I want to do is sit in a darkened room in absolute silence. Even if I did have time to do some pleasure reading during work, apparently, my employer finds this activity neither productive or a fundamental activity to completing my daily tasks. So, I'm left to reading on my own time, which is sparse and cherished.

Anywho, I absolutely loved Wide Awake. I was hooked immediately and enjoyed the adult content. It also gave me a new phrase which fits perfectly into my life and is used often - FML. It's this reason (as well as the hounding and heckling I receive regularly from FC) that leads me to overcome my issues and read another fanfic. I've been assured that the below choices contain adult content (which is now a requirement for my smutty mind) and are each pieces of wonderment. Ultimately, I will read them all, however, I need a good place to start and figured, who better to ask than the experts?

What should I read next?

He's All Mine Ladies!

After capping off my last night shift at work until November, I awoke this morning to an extremely pleasurable tweet from RobsButtonsBabe. Check out this great video she made of Cannes Rob (my Rob remember?) and it totally brightened my day, not to mention made my morning shower more exciting, hehe. Please to enjoy the wonderment!

Make sure to check out her YouTube channel for more amazing Rob vids!