Vanilla Sex...Part Two

Since Mr. Bitches Vanilla Sex Public Service Announcement was so well received last week, he has compiled another list in an effort to educate and possibly enrich our sex lives. Future Vanilla Sex Posts and other Public Service Announcements will be featured on Mr. Bitches new blog. Please to enjoy:

As a follow up Public Service Announcement, I have decided to provide more examples of "How to know if you're having vanilla sex." If you find yourself in any of the following situations, please make changes before it is too late.

This may look good, but doesn't the next one look better?

On to the countdown.....

1. You get happy when the spouse breaks out the chocolate sauce and whipped cream because you know you're getting a sundae.

2.You hear a buzzing sound coming from the bathroom and know its an electric toothbrush.

3. "I need to trim the bush" actually means going outside and cutting the hedges.

4. While watching 9 ½ Weeks all you can think about is how much cleaning up it's going to take in the kitchen.

5. It really is just a back massager.

6. Pearl necklaces go in the jewelry box right next to the gold ones.

7. Someone asks you about your toy chest and you give them a full account of the GI Joe's, Transformer's, and Hot Wheel cars your kids keep in it.

8. Dirty Sanchez is the homeless guy on the corner

9. Deep Throat was a political informant.

10. Dick's and BJ’s are fine shopping establishments.

And the Extra Bonus way to know you're having vanilla sex:

If you tie your husband to the bed... Wait for it... Only so you can watch Twilight in peace. You're having vanilla sex.

Vanilla Sex?

The following is a Public Service Advisory from Mr. Bitches:


Since I made a comment today about Jon and Kate having Vanilla sex, I thought it only appropriate for me to point out the top 10 ways to know you are having vanilla sex. I really don’t want anyone to fall into this horrible travesty which often leads to the man going after a 22 year old hottie or the woman to lust after shirtless vampire boys.


1. You yawn during sex.

2. The wife screams “Oh God” followed by “I left the stove on!”

3. Your kid has to give YOU the birds and the bees speech.

4. When someone asks you your favorite position and you answer “there’s more then 1?”

5. You believe the clitoris is still “The Big Myth.”

6. Unicorns, Harry Potter, and multiple orgasms…. All Fiction.

7. You ask your husband if he has any fantasies and he replies “Yea, I have 3 fantasy football
teams, 2 baseball and one basketball.”

8. You own a Sealy Posturepedic bed and you don’t knock over the wine glass on the corner.

9. When a couple talks about spanking you ask them what their kids did wrong?

10. If your husband says he wants to “eat out” and you get your coat and wait in the car.

And my personal favorite:

The “rabbit” is a pet you keep in a cage in the back yard and a bullet is what goes into a gun.

Ok, this raises a question for me. Since I most definitely don't fall into the "vanilla" sex category...more like Rocky Road with sprinkles and the occasional spritz of whipped cream and cherries...what's my excuse for becoming obsessed with a "shirtless vampire boy?"