Is 82 Too Old?

It’s not too often that an 82 year old man makes me feel like a piece of meat, but Saturday must have been my lucky day. He did a whole eye fuck and never came back to my face…say it with me people, ew, gross. But this story starts about a year ago. So let’s rewind a little shall we?

My neighbor across the street, let’s call him Mr. Horny (although I didn’t know it at the time), and I were talking about the repairs that he was having done on his roof. Innocent enough chat, or so I thought, and then out of nowhere he begins to tell me about this woman from church who came over a couple of weeks ago. He’s always telling me how the ladies are after him because at his age, the odds are in his favor. Anyway, so this lady comes over and tells him she wants to have sex with him. This is about the time I start to go into shock. So Mr. Horny continues with his story…they go back into the bedroom, they take off their clothes and get into bed. They start kissing and playin’ around (yuck), and then Mr. Horny said that he started to try and put “it” in her. Apparently some things just don’t work the way they used to (he seriously said that). And then he said the words that will I carry with me forever, “it just wouldn’t go in the hole…wouldn’t.go.in.the.hole.” Wow, I am starting to come out of my shock at this point because I begin to think, should I tell his daughter that he’s trying to have sex (she’s also my neighbor) because he probably doesn’t know about protection, or should I tell him about other things they could do, or should I tell him about Viagra? But then I thought I shouldn’t do that, I mean what if he has a heart attack? Okay, so minutes go by and he’s still yammering on and then this gem lets loose, “you know, I’m a half-millionaire.” And the statement was accompanied by the creepiest old man smile ever. Hypothetically, I always thought I could do the Anna Nicole jag, but not for a half a million, I mean really!

Okay, so, back to present day. My yard looks like the freaking Amazon because I’m scared to be caught by Mr. Horny outside and the BF only mows the grass (this doesn’t include weed whacking or anything having to do with plants or bushes). I’m about 2 days away from getting fined by the HOA because my place is one car on blocks away from the trailer park. And after calling a few companies to come out and fix up the place with no luck, I decide to spend Memorial Day weekend working in the yard. So who sidles up behind (scares the shit out of) me but Mr. Horny. Yeah, and out comes another one of his faves. “You know what’s better than one pretty lady? No, what Mr. Horny? Two pretty ladies!” Yeah, he said it (and says it just about every time I see him because I think he has the beginnings of Alzheimers). So, is 82 too old? Hell yeah, unless you’re Hugh Hefner.