Years of weaving through malls to avoid those annoying kiosk vendors (except that one with the no-heat curling iron…truly amazing), anyone wanting to you to fill out a survey, sign up for a credit card, or buy girl scout cookies, and just plain creepy people has taught me one important lesson: avoid eye contact at all costs. This may seem an extreme avoidance measure, but I assure you it works (except in cases of overall hotness or possessing a Kindle). Just ask yourself this…would Renesme have happened if Bella had avoided eye contact with Edward in the cafeteria that first day? Okay, well it probably woulda because Bella smelled so good, but just suspend your disbelief for a minute, ‘kay?
One of the early converts to No Eye Contact (NEC), has plenty of horror stories from her days as a consultant. There was “first class” guy who propositioned her on her way baggage claim after talking about his wife and kids. Then there was the “watch the girls” guy who wasn’t talking about the upsurge of all-girl gangs. And one of my favorites was the “I’m going to hump your baggage on the escalator, hope you don’t mind,” guy. Really no explanation necessary. We would wait with bated breath as she regaled us with her most recent creepy guy experience and finally decided to let her in on the Secret. After repeatedly pounding the NEC motto into her head, she no longer had problems with creepy guys in the airports, but alas, we also lost out on some great lunchtime conversation.
The most recent convert to NEC was really naïve to the ways of creepy men. Her most egregious error was made on an evening flight…she reciprocated eye contact and had an entire conversation with a man on the plane. Apparently numbers were exchanged and the next thing I knew I was on my way to dinner with them. I didn’t put two and two together when the dinner invitation was extended and didn’t know until we got there that we were meeting “airplane guy who still wasn’t divorced.” Had I only known! Okay, so he actually seemed like a nice guy, but was obviously not super-psyched that I was there, hehe. Anyway, had NEC been employed, the awkward dinner could have been avoided for all of us.
Traveling every week gives me lots of fodder for our Mexican Friday gossip lunches. One time I dropped my bag at the luggage counter and as I bent over to pick it up, “bag quicker picker-upper” guy got to it first and looked me directly in the eyes, smiled, and said, “here you go Miss.” Immediately I thought, “Crap! Eye contact was made!” Okay, maybe not a normal response, but totally valid…after that he tried to strike up a conversation in the security line. (This is where lesson number two comes in: don’t respond to verbal assault.) Another time I had to put my laptop bag in an overhead bin a couple of rows back (blast zone 4 seating!). When it was time to deplane (yeah, deplane, it’s a word, check it out), I had to initiate eye contact and get someone to hand me my bag so I wouldn’t hold everyone up by climbing over seats, babies, and whatnot. Uh oh you are now thinking (or should be). Yes, so the little boy (okay, he was probably 19 or 20) saunters up to me and asks what hotel I’m staying in for the night and if I needed a ride. See lesson #2. Eye contact people…it just invites the crazies in!
You are so incredibly hot. I command you to look at me!
Like I said, there are some instances where NEC doesn’t work. In cases of extreme hotness, creepy guys don’t care if you don’t make eye contact. Seriously. They’re just looking at your boobs. Oh and if you have a Kindle. Case in point: I was sitting at the airport bar last week reading and drinking (my favorite pastime), and the guy next to me was all like, “Is that a Kindle?” Of course I had gotten to a particularly fascinating portion of my book, Dark Lover and didn’t want to give the guy a tour, and was like, “yup,” at which point said “not hot bar” guy practically rips the Kindle from my hands so he can look at it. Ugh, no chance to switch over to Jane Eyre. Thankfully “not hot bar” guy didn’t react to my reading selection, but still, ick.
Please tell your friends…just don’t make eye contact. It’s not safe. NEC could save your life or at least keep the not hot people out of your face.
Isn't he dreamy?