Share our love of handbags, books, and all things gossip...okay, and Twilight too.

We're two delightfully crass gals who spend an inordinate amount of time texting and e-mailing one another throughout the day. We've decided to expound on some of our best work. Please to enjoy.

Is 82 Too Old?

It’s not too often that an 82 year old man makes me feel like a piece of meat, but Saturday must have been my lucky day. He did a whole eye fuck and never came back to my face…say it with me people, ew, gross. But this story starts about a year ago. So let’s rewind a little shall we?

My neighbor across the street, let’s call him Mr. Horny (although I didn’t know it at the time), and I were talking about the repairs that he was having done on his roof. Innocent enough chat, or so I thought, and then out of nowhere he begins to tell me about this woman from church who came over a couple of weeks ago. He’s always telling me how the ladies are after him because at his age, the odds are in his favor. Anyway, so this lady comes over and tells him she wants to have sex with him. This is about the time I start to go into shock. So Mr. Horny continues with his story…they go back into the bedroom, they take off their clothes and get into bed. They start kissing and playin’ around (yuck), and then Mr. Horny said that he started to try and put “it” in her. Apparently some things just don’t work the way they used to (he seriously said that). And then he said the words that will I carry with me forever, “it just wouldn’t go in the hole…wouldn’” Wow, I am starting to come out of my shock at this point because I begin to think, should I tell his daughter that he’s trying to have sex (she’s also my neighbor) because he probably doesn’t know about protection, or should I tell him about other things they could do, or should I tell him about Viagra? But then I thought I shouldn’t do that, I mean what if he has a heart attack? Okay, so minutes go by and he’s still yammering on and then this gem lets loose, “you know, I’m a half-millionaire.” And the statement was accompanied by the creepiest old man smile ever. Hypothetically, I always thought I could do the Anna Nicole jag, but not for a half a million, I mean really!

Okay, so, back to present day. My yard looks like the freaking Amazon because I’m scared to be caught by Mr. Horny outside and the BF only mows the grass (this doesn’t include weed whacking or anything having to do with plants or bushes). I’m about 2 days away from getting fined by the HOA because my place is one car on blocks away from the trailer park. And after calling a few companies to come out and fix up the place with no luck, I decide to spend Memorial Day weekend working in the yard. So who sidles up behind (scares the shit out of) me but Mr. Horny. Yeah, and out comes another one of his faves. “You know what’s better than one pretty lady? No, what Mr. Horny? Two pretty ladies!” Yeah, he said it (and says it just about every time I see him because I think he has the beginnings of Alzheimers). So, is 82 too old? Hell yeah, unless you’re Hugh Hefner.


Tenacious V said...

Nope, even then 82 is too old. The only time 82 isn't too old unless you're 83.

codwidow said...

Eeeew, nothing worse than an old guy that makes you uncomfortable. At least you can run away from your neighbor. My bat shit crazy neighbor is only in his 50s and tries to make everything his business. He actually wants to do our yard work. I've come home and the nut job is weed whacking the side of our garage! The guy is so whacked he got fired from his last job when he freaked out about someone repeatedly calling him "dude." I usually employ the "no eye contact or look in the direction of his house" rule but it doesn't work when we have the baby out now. I feel your neighborly pain!

Mr. Bitches said...

Come on. you know you love that dirty old mans attention!

Dizzz said...

I love hearing the story abotu this guy! It cracks me up every single time!!! The funniest part is you talking about your yard. Mommy FC made a comment that she doesn't understand how that is so; you know mom and plants. She has her flowers planted, and the garden full of veggies for the season!

Fire Crotch said...

@Dizzz - Yeah well, I never really picked up the "I love to work in the yard" gene. I would much rather be doing just about anything else in the world (not including anything seen on Dirty Jobs).

Bitches said...

82 most certianly isn't too long as he's loaded and doesn't have moobs. It also helps if his life expectancy isn't more than a few more years.

Post a Comment