Share our love of handbags, books, and all things gossip...okay, and Twilight too.

We're two delightfully crass gals who spend an inordinate amount of time texting and e-mailing one another throughout the day. We've decided to expound on some of our best work. Please to enjoy.

"Alleged" Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater

We all gasped when US Magazine proclaimed Jon Gosselin of John & Kate Plus 8 a cheater. Some of us gasped out of shock, others, myself included, figured it had been a train wreck waiting to happen. Look at Nick & Jessica, Travis Barker & Shanna Moakler, both seemingly happy couples whose relationships crashed and burned after putting them on display for all to view. Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, better known as Speidi don't have a prayer, but that's a whole other topic. And of course, there were a few unbelievers, a very dear bosom pal of mine included. The truth is, it's in US Magazine people! And, as well all know, US Magazine is *rarely* ever wrong! When Brad Pitt replaced Jennifer Aniston and later knocked up Angelina Jolie, who brought us that news? US Magazine. When Madonna tossed aside Guy Ritchie in favor of A-Rod, who brought us that update? Again, US Magazine. Did I mention they are *almost* never wrong? So we got to thinking , why did Jon cheat on Kate? Firstly, we must admit to ourselves (Yes, My Flower, I am speaking to you. However, I must applaud you in your efforts to cling to hope of Jon's virtue) that he did indeed stray. Yes, I admit, the evidence is circumstantial, however, quite damning. Let me put it this way, if Mr. Bitches was caught gallivanting about at 2am in a drunken stupor with an even remotely doable maiden whilst I was on the other side of the country hocking my newest book as well as caught on video mid-walk of shame from said doable maiden's abode in the wee hours of the morn, I would have to conclude that Mr. Bitches had in fact made sweet sweet love to another. And, this isn't even taking into account the mistress's brother outing them and their "nast" unions all thanks to "thin walls." Heh. With that all cleared up, let's get down to why he would go out and score some strange. We've compiled a list of the top five reasons:

5. He wanted to see if there had been any changes since he'd last had sex.
4. He got tired of trying to hold his breath.
3. He was tired of being poked in the eye by her spiky hair.
2. He likes it "Nast."

AND...the #1 reason why Jon "allegedly" strayed:

1. He had a coupon.

Yes, Kate was on the Today Show recently claiming she doesn't believe the allegations and "takes everything with a grain of salt." Hmmm...or, is it maybe that she very much does know that Jon's been getting around but isn't willing to give up all the piles of cash flowing in and her new found fame? Maybe, and even I must admit this is rather tacky to even think on my the back of her mind she's thinking "Oh, snap, all this publicity can only help bolster my book sales!" Yea, probably not. Anyhow, back to her denial. She very much does know he's been gettin' it on the side (however, is it considered "on the side" if you weren't getting any in the first place? Just a thought) and since splitting up would wreak havoc on their family and their poor kiddos, perhaps they are going to make an attempt to continue the charade. Not that Jon will get away scot-free. We should scour him in future episodes. I have a feeling he bruises like a delicate peach.

OOOh, one last thought. I wonder if Kate is secretly kicking herself for encouraging (ok, demanding) Jon's hair plugs which only left him more desirable and heightened his allure - that is, if you're into a married father of eight with a wife prone to outbursts. Hey, I don't judge. And do you think he's lost weight? Mr. Bitches says that's one of the first warning signs of extracurricular activities for men. For women, it's matching bras and panties. Heh.


Tenacious V said...

So...I admit it. I read Perez Hilton. I don't tell people this. In fact, when I take my laptop to work, I delete my bookmark from my Firefox browser so people don't see. But now that you two are putting your own gossip obsession out there, I don't know if I'll be able to hide my own dalliances with low culture any longer.

Uh oh.

Anonymous said...

Who is this dear bosom pal who refused to believe? Sometimes we're just not ready to accept the news! Well, at this point I think I'm going to have to accept that it's true. My vote for top reason why he cheated is definitly that he had a coupon! And yes I think Jon getting the hair implants and losing weight should've been warning signs. Sigh, I'll have to find another celebrity couple to base my hapiness on :)

Bitches said...

Oh, Jen, I'm so sorry for your loss. The "dear bosom pal" was my friend Tammie (although, it was fitting for you as well) who is still in despair and having trouble believing the news. Good luck with your celebrity couple search. Keep me tuned! heh

Bitches said...

Tenacious V...that's no way to live! Be proud of you dalliances with "low culture." :-D

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