[TFLN]: Twilight Edition

Some of these will make you laugh, some will make you cry, and some will make you laugh until you cry because you realize that you texted them and your "friend" totally outed you. Thanks Bitches.

(609): You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
(1-609): Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.

(910): is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise. <-- WTF?

(714): so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
(1-714): yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed... <--That touches a bit close to home.

(480): A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.

(202): he's my edward cullen
(770): I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.

(432): So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
(207): You need to stop watching Twilight.

(303): maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."

(440): We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
(1-440): I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!

(404): Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.

(904): I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
(1-904): It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.

Wow, they were so cute back in the day!

(847): And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
(1-847): I should injure you considerably. <--Bitches was not amused because she was sitting in bible study when I sent this.

(802): that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight <-- Is this a bust on KStew? Say it ain't so!

(310): my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet. <-- Sorry Mommy FC

(610): Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight? <-- Me back in March
(570): No <-- Bitches answer...oh, how time and threats change things

(937): I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again. <-- Sounds like a normal Thursday night for me

(210): Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head? <-- I don't think they do that sort of stuff in Utah.

On My Way To Lunch Today...

As I was walking out of the house I noticed a large envelope on my kitchen counter. I was about to get really pissed off because I had just finished cleaning up the kitchen and here was one more thing messing up the place. I haven't actually seen the surface of my dining room table since some time back in 2008, so the fact that I can see my kitchen counter is a big win. Anyway, I figured I would stop and check what this envelope was in case it could go directly to the recycling on my way out. And then I saw it...my name and the Luftpost (airmail) stickers. What the heck? I wasn't expecting any packages, especially not something from overseas. And then I looked at the return address, and who else could it be but my Twitter besty MrsVanquish! My heart began palpitating faster and faster. I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks (not those you naughty things...the ones on my face). As I ripped the envelope open with as much care as I could muster, I plunged my hand into the envelope to reveal a Robert Pattinson 2010 calendar! My breath caught and I let out a little squee! The BF asked what I received, and I lovingly showed it to him. There was an eye roll and then the statement, "That's not going in the bedroom." I quickly gathered everything up and headed off to lunch. I was bursting at the seams by the time I dropped by to see Bitches (actually she picked me up like a hitchhiker by the side of the road, but that's another story which isn't entertaining at all). Bitches was on her lunch break, so we had some time to peruse Mrs. V's precious care package. We also took some time to take some pictures with the dear Mr. Pattinson.

Things got a little hotter in the next set of photos. Between the laughter, Bitches' freaking out that her coworkers would find out (I'm sure they particularly liked it when I said, "just lick it already!"), and the obviously steamy poses, we were in pieces! Bitches had to go and turn on a fan to cool us down.

As I was trying to put the calendar away, I couldn't figure out why it wouldn't fit back in the envelope. Well lo and behold, there was more in the package! I eagerly fished the item out and found that it was a set of New Moon magnets. Bitches picked a particularly nice one of Mr. P. to put on her refrigerator. *Sharing is caring people.* I can't thank Mrs. V enough for these wonderfully delectable treats. Make sure to check out her blog and show her some love!

Rant Wednesday - We ♥ Rachelle

So I am starting my rant all over again...you were going to get a hot steaming pile of Jon and Kate do the UPS Store, but in light of the developments last night I give you:

WTF Summit?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Thanks wheatysgirl for the awesome pic.

Sign one of the many petitions to keep Rachelle Lefevre as Victoria in Eclipse. And if you have been hiding in a closet rocking back and forth in the fetal position waiting for the next chapter of Wide Awake and don't understand all of the hoopla blowing up on the interwebs, click here to find out what I'm talking about.

Petitions:
www.petitiononline.com/Rlefevre
http://301.to/600

And go crazy on Twitter! #BringBackRachelle

Okay, to change the subject, here's a little ditty that I saw a while ago and still makes me laugh. Please to enjoy.

Vanilla Sex...Part Two

Since Mr. Bitches Vanilla Sex Public Service Announcement was so well received last week, he has compiled another list in an effort to educate and possibly enrich our sex lives. Future Vanilla Sex Posts and other Public Service Announcements will be featured on Mr. Bitches new blog. Please to enjoy:

As a follow up Public Service Announcement, I have decided to provide more examples of "How to know if you're having vanilla sex." If you find yourself in any of the following situations, please make changes before it is too late.

This may look good, but doesn't the next one look better?

On to the countdown.....

1. You get happy when the spouse breaks out the chocolate sauce and whipped cream because you know you're getting a sundae.

2.You hear a buzzing sound coming from the bathroom and know its an electric toothbrush.

3. "I need to trim the bush" actually means going outside and cutting the hedges.

4. While watching 9 ½ Weeks all you can think about is how much cleaning up it's going to take in the kitchen.

5. It really is just a back massager.

6. Pearl necklaces go in the jewelry box right next to the gold ones.

7. Someone asks you about your toy chest and you give them a full account of the GI Joe's, Transformer's, and Hot Wheel cars your kids keep in it.

8. Dirty Sanchez is the homeless guy on the corner

9. Deep Throat was a political informant.

10. Dick's and BJ’s are fine shopping establishments.

And the Extra Bonus way to know you're having vanilla sex:

If you tie your husband to the bed... Wait for it... Only so you can watch Twilight in peace. You're having vanilla sex.

Pocket Edward Dazzles the Ladies

A couple of months ago Grandmom FC took Mommy FC, Aunt FC, and me on a bus tour of Philadelphia. This was actually my second bus trip with these fine ladies and I'm all over the bus tour now. The drivers of these buses totally mesmerize me...how they drive around hair-pin turns and back into a parking spot with mere inches of clearance on either side is beyond me. So, yeah, I guess I'm turning into an old lady (transformation will be complete when I get granny panties) because my cousins and I have definitely ridiculed our moms about the bus trips they go on. I digress, however. On our previous trip to the Biltmore Estate, PE did not venture much farther than my purse. I was much more confident on this second trip. We had a lovely lunch aboard the Moshulu before touring the murals around the city. I never knew it before, but Philly has the largest number of murals in the world (2,800!) and is definitely worth the trip. Okay, arts lesson over.

After excusing myself from the lunch table to use the restroom, I stealthily snuck upstairs and took some shots of Edward on the high seas. Okay, not really, we were anchored at Penn's Landing, but doesn't he look debonair? I tried some shots looking across the water to Camden, NJ, but those shots just didn't look good. You know how Jersey is...

After a quick stop at the bar, PE and I boarded the bus for the mural tour. PE was getting a little frisky as you can see from the pictures below.

These are the FC women...pretty hot right? I know...it runs in the family. Pocket Edward hopped right into Mommy FC's shirt pocket. How cute. Mommy FC seems to be enjoying the attention.

Then Pocket Edward jumped in between Aunt FC (yup...red hair runs in the family) and Grandmom FC. Everyone was having a good time. Grandmom FC (who turned 89 the next day...I know, I don't believe it either!) didn't quite know what to make of my beloved PE, but she's down with the kids and just rolled with it. I may need to give Mommy FC one of the Edwards to take on their bus trip of the Canadian Rockies since the ladies had such a good time.

And thus ends another wonderful photo op with Pocket Edward. I would like to personally thank Mommy FC, Grandmom FC, and Aunt FC for indulging my inner child. And, if you look at this page, please stop scrolling when you get to the bad unicorn post!

While the Cat's Away, Fire Crotch Will Play

The BF is away again this weekend at some game championship thing, so I figured it was time to do some redecorating. I mainly focused my attention on the bedroom. I spend so little time here (because I travel you naughty things) that when I come home, the bedroom is the first place I go.

This picture is the before. Don't you just love my generic Christmas-outfitted Snoopy? His name is K-Mart...one guess where I got him. Apparently I threw a fit in the store when I saw this adorable creature and my parents got him for me instead of giving me a swift kick in the ass. He's had some mishaps along the way, one being some makeup and an eye that keeps falling out, but K-Mart has been with me since I was a wee babe.

This is the after shot. Yeah, I totally covered up that beautiful hand-painted picture of the River Seine and the Eiffel Tower that everyone either has seen or bought while in Paris. I think I like the update. Très magnifique, non?

Okay, so I was too lazy to take the picture frame off the wall and actually put the Sexy Stars of Twilight poster under the glass for proper protection, but I figure this way it will be easier to switch out the picture. I swear that his eyes follow me when I walk in the room. Kinda creepy...creepy awesome!

And check out the view from my bed! Amongst all of the pics of my family and friends on my bureau, I can now see RPattz hotness staring back at me. Grandmom FC (with me in the gold picture frame) approves!

Oh, and what do we have here on the nightstand? Oh, it's RPattz. Right next to those books that I probably will never read because they aren't in my Kindle and my night cream for my poor cracked heels. Let's take a closer look shall we?

Um, so every time I see the picture in the bottom, I think of the phrase "choking a chicken" (kudos Jenny Jerkface).

And check it out...those three little pictures at the top spin around, so I can change Rob up any way I want. Amcas, please note the pic in the top left...still love your file name, heh.

I only wish I could be here when the BF comes home and sees what I have done. Seeing as how my urgings on Friday to grow out his hair and to take me to Comic-Con next year were greeted with suspicion ("Wait a sec, is this some kind of Twilight thing?"), I can't wait to hear what he has to say about the redecorating. He really should know better than to leave me home alone. Muwahahahahahaha!

Do NOT Google "Bad Unicorns"

So last night on Twitter (yeah, this is a totally gonna be that kind of post), someone started talking about unicorns (the lemony kind y'all). Actually, I believe we were all getting amped up about Amcas' awesome post for SSTB's Wide Awake discussion (it's week #2, still plenty of time to catch up on your reading). I guess working the night shift plus the added Twi-stress of Comic-Con and the RobWeekly pics that came out on Tuesday (I know, some of you don't like them, whatev, my blog, my rules) has finally cracked me up a little. I mean, look what I bought last night! (OMG, while looking for links to the stuff mentioned above, I see that they have New Moon birthday party supplies, squee!)

Anyway, I totally hi-jacked the Wide Awake discussion and took it to a whole new level. People were seriously looking for bleach for their eye-sockets after I was done with my unicorn peep-show. Without further ado, please to enjoy the parade of unicorns.

***WARNING: Not suitable for children or adults with weak stomachs.***

Thought I would start you out easy with a cute My Little Pony-esque unicorn and an adorable photo-manip. Who wouldn't be happy riding a unicorn?

What is with people and their weird ass tattoos? These both scream to me, "I lost a bet, and you got to tattoo me any way you wanted."

Yes, that horn is exactly what you though it was the first time you glanced at it. And I thought I would counterbalance with some sweet 1970s-ish unicorn-on-unicorn lovin.

I have no idea where this pic came from or why someone would do this, but it's seriously hilarious. And check out Rainbow Brite in the back!

Unicorn impaling a mime. Seriously, why does there always seem to be a rainbow around?

I don't really understand the unicorn impaling babies, but it strikes me as kind of funny.

I know this one was particularly disturbing to the dolphin lovers out there.

I call this one the Pièce de résistance. Yeah.

So, now that you are all blind, you can thank Amcas (check out her awesome blog here, 'cause she totally broke the RPattzp-Vodka shirt shizz) for the suggestion of showing my unicorn collection to you all. I will offer this final pic to cleanse your palate.

Um, seriously, after this pic, how can you still not think he's hawt? Oops, just had a unicorn.