Need Checks? Make your own RPattz ones...

So, after upping the ante with her Twilight jewelry set, SIL FC has turned me into a completely crazed lunatic. We talked about Twilight, specifically Mr. Pattinson, last night for like 20 minutes until brother FC came in and ruined the whole thing. Anyway, I am in need of new checks (yes, some people won't accept online forms of payment). And you know what? It's a good thing because look what you can make at uniquechecks.com! (I did search high and low for Twilight checks, but there aren't any, can you believe it?)

Had to include some jaw porn.

So I totally think that the cleaning ladies will appreciate my new checks. Although, this could be bad...I might become one of those obnoxious people who only uses checks to pay at Wal-Mart.

How Much Longer Can She Resist?!

It's done. Sister Bitches has finally watched Twilight. She was full of sarcastic commentary and was not as enthralled by the movie as we had hoped. We explained to her in depth that the movie does the book no justice and this is only a wee taste of the awesomeness that is to come in the book. I felt a small victory was won, however. Now, instead of absolutely refusing to read the book, she now says she "will think about it." I will now hound her relentlessly until she gives in. I feel it is my duty.

"Read me Little Bitches!"


I'm still beyond perplexed...how could she not have fallen in love immediately? She's a friggin teenager, Twilight was written for her age group!

We did demand she become a follower of our blog, Twilight fan or not. Perhaps being surrounded by other Twilight lovers she'll gain some understanding and realize she just has to know what all the fuss is about. Trust me, one day she will thank me.

Let the Brainwashing Begin...

Before meeting our lady friends for lunch today, FC and I hustled over to Barnes & Nobles to procure our personal copies of US Weekly's Twilight Edition. As we drove over, we started to panic...what if they didn't have any left?! What if they'd sold out and were nowhere to be found! We calmed ourselves by reminding each other that there were several other book stores we could hit up just in case. The fretting was all for not, because, right as we walked through the door, there it was in all it's glory! We both squealed in delight and jumped up and down like twelve year old's at a Jonas Brother's concert. I think we also hyperventilated a wee bit. We attracted the attention of a crabby fellow who didn't seem to appreciate the magnitude of our joy. I shot him the evil eye and I think that skeerd him a lil bit. Ha.

Sister Bitches has been very uncooperative lately. She has outright refused to read Twilight. I've tried everything...begging, pleading, bargaining and bartering to no avail. I've told her that she'll regret it and besides, I'm her big sister, I know what's best for her, right? I think she's sick and tired of hearing me bitch about it, so, she finally agreed to watch the movie. No book, just movie. So, right now, she and FC are sitting on my couch and she's looking very unimpressed and bored awaiting the the start of the movie. She's also making fun of us for our Edward and Bella action figures and just doesn't seem to appreciate our Sexy Stars of Twilight Edition. I've really hoping that viewing of the movie whets her appetite for more. Besides, Taylor Lautner is her age, so, she's legally allowed to fantasize about him... We will give you a full update later.

My Homage to MJ

A little over a month ago my alma mater came together to break the Thriller dance record with 242 people dancing simultaneously in one location.  Guinness certified them on May 15, 2009.  So yeah, the second oldest college in the nation, the one who educated Thomas Jefferson and Jon Stewart, yeah they rocked it out.

Rant Wednesday...Some People Shouldn't Breed

Despite our super busy weekends, FC and I managed a trip to our local cinema cafe to see The Hangover Saturday night. A few minutes into the movie, there was a kissing scene and we heard a squeal of "eeeews" come from the row in front of us. Lo and behold, sitting in front of us was a man with three little tykes about four years old. WTF?! What mature adult, never mind parent, takes three small children to a movie known for it's debauchery, crassness and nast bushy full frontal male nudity? Who?! Plus, these weren't oblivious one and two year olds who didn't have a clue what was going on, they were curious and aware kids who should be at home watching cartoons. And, save me the excuse that perhaps he wasn't aware of the storyline and content, he so knew, it's called The Hangover for Pete's sake.

Now, I must say, the kids were surprisingly quiet and well behaved throughout the movie. Perhaps it was because they were so traumatized by what they were seeing. Or, maybe it was because FC and I were laughing so hysterically throughout the entire movie that we were oblivious to our surroundings.

Oh yea, plus, the guy downed a few adult beverages as he spent quality time with his offspring. Again, some people shouldn't breed.

Good Cop, Bad Cop?

Last week SIL (sister-in-law noobs) FC sends me an email about this Twilight themed jewelry set that she just has to have. This coming from the woman who put off reading Twilight for months and then gobbled up the entire series up in 4 days mere weeks ago and is threatening bodily harm to the person who ruined Midnight Sun. Anyway, I ignored the first email thinking that surely she would come to her senses, but then on Monday morning I get the following email.

Subject: Happy Monday
Date: Mon, 22 Jun 2009 07:03:28 -0400
From: SIL FC
To: Fire Crotch
I am afraid I am losing my internal battle to not buy that jewelry set I was telling you about last week. It is $150 (which is $50 more than I expected). I SO DON’T NEED IT!!!! But it keeps calling me! I see them for a lot more than that at other places, so I am wondering if I should just buy it and gift it to myself for Christmas (yah I know 6 months from now). I have not told Brother FC, but then again he can’t say crap cause he has those lightsabers (seriously? I had no idea he was such a nerd) he loves so much and they were just as expensive! What is your opinion on my craziness?

So obviously my SIL is in crisis, I mean, Twilight jewelry? I'm not hatin' or anything, but c'mon. I can only imagine that it's pretty cheap looking and probably won't help with ming reading. Plus, can I live with myself if she has Twilight merch that I don't? But am I ready to shell out that kind of money? So I shoot off the following email.

From: Fire Crotch
Sent: Monday, June 22, 2009 12:46 PM
To: SIL FC
Subject: RE: Happy Monday
I can definitely say, don't get the jewelry set (this coming from the girl who now has 3 Twilight dolls). I just hope that I am not too late. I mean seriously now, are you going to wear it for real? And wouldn't you like to put that money towards something else? If you really want, I now have 2 Cullen crests, so I could make earrings out of them if you would like.

Image by GeekMom Heather via Flickr

Fortunately SIL FC backed down and decided that she should back away from the computer and save her money for something else. I can only imagine the ridicule she would endure from the niece (her daughter) who started the Twilight mania. So, did I do this because I really believed that SIL FC was nuts for spending $150 on Twilight merch (good cop) or was I secretly coveting the jewels and wanted them all to myself (bad cop)? Hmmm...we'll have to see what Amazon is delivering later this week, heh!

Comment or DIAFOC (just try and figure that one out, I dare you!).

Jon Did Not Find the Coupon

It's official...the train has officially crashed. Jon & Kate Gosselin filed for divorce this afternoon in Reading, Pennsylvania. I'm sure that Kate's doing it "all for the kids." It's a sad day...I really thought they had a chance. Ha.

Impending Doom

With the assured impending doom that is Jon & Kate Plus 8, I ask you, will you watch tonight

Image by midnightglory via Flickr

to see what the big announcement is? In my heart of hearts (WTF does that mean anyway?), I totally think TLC is over-selling whatever this announcement is and we will all be disappointed.

Related articles by Zemanta

• Jon & Kate leave us to speculate: What will they announce tonight? (thestar.com)
• You: VOTE: What's Jon & Kate's Big Announcement? (abcnews.go.com)
• Will Jon and Kate Separate? (abcnews.go.com)

To Right a Wrong

As it has been pointed out, I left off some very yummy deliciousness in my last post...Paul Walker (9/12/73). Please to enjoy.

Jail Bait - Senior Edition

Since there were so many of you dirty whores out there googling jail bait, I figured we would do a senior edition (anyone over 30). Heh. Yeah, Mommy FC was a little taken aback when I told her that was what the cutoff for the senior edition was.

Ryan Reynolds
DOB: 10/23/76

I don't think he was airbrushed....

Alexander Skarsgård

DOB: 8/25/76

I'm a little obsessed with Eric Northman on True Blood...alas, he doesn't have fangs in real life.

Bradley Cooper

DOB: 1/5/75

I wish I was that monkey.

Peter Facinelli

DOB: 11/26/73

Kind of looks like a serial killer here, but you know he's a vegetarian right?

Kevin McKidd

DOB: 8/9/73

I'll be your Sassenach any time. Oh and we could have cute little red-haired babies.

Eric Dane

DOB: 11/9/72

McSteamy...

Matt Damon

DOB: 10/8/70

So Matt sent me an email the other day...okay so it was on behalf of one.org, but you know, he and I are like BFFs.

Simon Baker

DOB: 7/30/69

So you know there is totally a reason why CBS has him do commercials in his regular accent...makes him sound even sexier.

Michael Vartan

DOB: 11/27/68

I'm thinking...about you. So we haven't seen you around in a while Mikey...we miss you.

Hugh Jackman

DOB: 10/12/68

Um, wow, was all I could say when I found this pic. Yeah, he's hot. I'll take some more butt shots please (totally referring to his latest movie).

Aaron Eckhart

DOB: 3/12/68

I am...the Marlboro man. Okay, not really, but all he needs in this pic is a cowboy hat.

Grant Show

DOB: 2/27/62

So I really wanted to post a pic of him from the show Swingtown when he had the molestache, but I deferred to a hotter pic. I have to say, I'm pretty shocked at how old you are Grant.

George Clooney

DOB: 5/6/61

Yeah, so no list would be complete without him. He agrees.

Stay tuned for Jail Bait - Dead and Almost Gone edition.

Our Dirty Game

There's a lil game Mr. Bitches and I like to play whilst watching So You Think You Can Dance. If you've watched the show, you know a guy and girl are paired up as partners that perform different dances together once a week. Bringing two attractive strangers together in a situation requiring close contact and a crap load of grabbing and man-handling of one another is bound to result in some hook-ups, right?

That's where our game comes in...it's very simple and has two parts. The first half of the game is to decide if the couple is gettin' it on or not. Sometimes, it's very obvio

Image by johnb/uk via Flickr

us, other times it takes more scrutiny and a couple weeks to make a final decision. There are couples that are obviously so not into one another and are merely putting up with each other and there isn't a chance in Hades they're gettin' it on. Then, there are the couples that are beyond thrilled to get their hands all over one another and practically eye fuck each other during their time together. Every week there are couples flirting and practically humping one another on the dance floor and you just know they're going back to their rooms and turning the dance horizontal. What really trips me out is the number of contestants who arrive in a relationship and seem to leave their significant others in the dust a matter of weeks later for their dance partners. I can only imagine the incredibly uncomfortable phone conversations they must have after their performances trying to explain themselves.

Once we've concluded that they are indeed getting it on, the second half of the fun commences. We must decide if they're simply doin' it, or doin' it well. Obviously, we all know, there is a difference. A huge difference. Some of the couples you can tell are super attracted to one another, however, are a little awkward. There's a ton of flirting and their hands are all over each other, however, there's a clumsiness to their advances and despite their attraction, in the bedroom, they just don't have it goin' on. And then, there are the ones that are doin' it, and doin' it well. There's no awkwardness or fumbling. Instead, there's chemistry and electricity as they're dancing, as if you're watching extended foreplay. Yea, I know, we're perves, but it makes watching the show pretty darn entertaining. To be honest, to me, this game is almost as entertaining as the show itself.

Yes, I know that this is all speculation and a little subjective. However, when a guy gets booted and his partner is sobbing hysterically, the look of pain in her eyes says a thousand words.

Allison & Ivan from Season 2 were doin' it, but not well.

Rant Wednesday...and a Shout Out

No, I'm not going to go off on those Twat Rockets who attacked our beloved RPattz the other day. I think we have all seen and heard enough about all that.

*************************************************************************************
CLT - yeah, starting to be my most unfavorite abbreviation ever (right after PHL and ATL)...also known as Charlotte Douglas International Airport. I apologize ahead of time for the second airplane related rant, but this really was too good to pass up. So, as I lay dozing in my seat (it was o'dark 30) waiting to land in Charlotte on Monday, the wheels were down, we were descending, the runway was in sight, and the next thing I knew we were quickly veering up again and my ears were popping like bitches. Yikes, WTF!?! A few minutes later, the pilot came on and said that he preferred not to land on a runway when another plane was on it and decided to pull up and come around. Hold the phone...another plane? Yeah, that's what he said. I tend to not pay attention to plane crash stories since I travel on them every week, but Mommy FC likes to point t

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

hem out to me during our Sunday evening chats (I think it's part of her evil plot to get me to move back home). Anyhoo, apparently a similar event happened at good ole CLT a couple of weeks ago. Yeah, so if it isn't ground stoppages for weather, runway construction, or other stupidity, CLT is beginning to be the bain of my existence. Oh, and the guy sitting next to me on my next flight was wearing a navy blue sports coat. Nice.

However, I would like to give a huge SHOUT OUT to the pilot of US Airways flight 3111 for not getting me dead on Monday morning.

Twilight Retreat - Day 2

As FC said yesterday, we were greatly in need of some relaxation, so we chose to holiday for the weekend in North Carolina. FC could barely contain herself as as we made the journey to the lake as she said she had a surprise for me. Me, always the nosy one asked a gazillion questions, which of course, she wouldn't answer. Well, she did answer one, which was whether Mr. Bitches would be horrified by it or not. Her response excited me further as I figured it must be Twilight related.

We'd barely got settled in, when FC ordered me out of the room while she set up the goodies. When I returned, she had a most scrumptious frosting covered cookie emblazoned with Edward's name as well as a set of Edward & Bella dolls. There was also a magazine with RPatzz on the cover...ahhh. We settled in for the evening noshing on cookie, catching up on Robert Pattinson & Kristin Stewart's alleged love triangle and reading our respective trashy smutty novels. The perfect evening.

We got up the next morning and did what we do best, we moseyed down to the dock to lay out while Mr. Bitches slaved away mowing and working in the yard. Poor guy. After baking in the sun a few hours we broke out Bella & Edward and giggled like two little schoolgirls as we played with them. I must say, I was quite grateful the neighbors had chosen this weekend to stay home...I do have a smidgen of pride I'd like to retain.

For some reason lil' Edward and lil' Bella started talking like pirates as soon as they got out on the water. Perhaps Edward spent some time at sea early in his vampirehood.

Ahoy matey. Prepare to be boarded!

Edward: That’s the finest pirate booty I’ve ever laid eyes on.
Bella: Come show me how ye bury yer treasure, lad!

After that, things got a little out of hand. Hope you enjoyed our first Twilight Retreat! We sure did!

Thanks Peeps!

Since everyone else (TwiCrack Addict & TWITARDED) is celebrating, we figured we should too. Congrats to us on our 1000th visitor since May 9th. W00t! And yeah, we know you only came for the jail bait pics, heh.

Twilight Retreat - Day 1

So Bitches and I felt that it was time for a little R&R and Mr. Bitches finally didn't have to work on the weekend, so we all headed down to NC for some fun in the sun. Little did Bitches know that I had planned to make this a "working weekend." And by work I mean, take lots of pictures with our old and new Twilight stuff.

So, finally, after 2.5 hours in the car, we arrived at the lake house. I was practically jumping out of my skin because Bitches still had no idea what I had in store for her. I ordered Bitches off into the other room while I set up the bounty of my online ordering and trip to Wal-Mart. Mr. Bitches did his patented eye roll mutliple times as I set all of this up.

When I purchased this delightful cookie cake, I wasn't going to get anything written on it, but always the icing whore, I decided I better get something. I first asked the girl for "We ♥ Edward" and the girl (no more than 16) says, "Twilight fan?" Okay, so after that, I was like, eff that, I'm going all the way...so I asked for "Webiteprettyhard ♥ Edward." Yeah baby!

Please notice that this is the Edward with the sunglasses. Oh yeah, and Bella too. We soon found out that his head doesn't move unlike the original Pocket Edward. I realized that I now have 2 Cullen crests...I think they would make awesome earrings...a little bulky, but awesome nonetheless.

Bitches is overjoyed by her haul of the of Twilight stuff. I was quick to point out that since we both now have 2 Edwards and a Bella that there could be some ménage à trois action going on. Mr. Bitches didn't even crack a smile on that one.

Stay tuned for Day 2 of the Twilight retreat. Bitches has some excellent pics of Edward and Bella in some, shall we say, compromising positions.

Jail Bait & Other Hawt Youngins (*and some old guys)

If you got here because you Googled "Real Jailbait," "Jailbait Blog," or something like it, this probably isn't the blog for you, but thanks for stopping by you dirty bird!

Okay, so the “old guys” are actually age appropriate for me and the rest are younger than my brothers, so yeah, gross, but whatev! I was going to look for other real jail bait, but after searching for shirtless pics of Taycob, I felt dirty.








Taylor Lautner
DOB: 2/11/92

The only true Jail Bait on this list...and also the only shirtless pic, heh.











Joe Jonas
DOB: 8/15/89
There is a weird appeal here for me. I think it was his Beyonce impersonation that did it.




Rupert Grint
DOB: 8/24/88

Yeah, so he and I could have magical red-haired babies.

Zac Efron
DOB: 10/18/87

Isn't he just dreamy?



Ed Westwick
DOB: 6/27/87

His character is pretty smoldering on Gossip Girl...I'm just going to make the logical leap that he is just like that in real life except with a British accent (so even better really).



Hunter Parrish
DOB: 5/13/87

Here's hoping there is more shirtlessness on Weeds this season.



Robert Pattinson
DOB: 5/13/86

Always bring a change of panties girls.



Chace Crawford
DOB: 7/18/85
So there was this totally awesome pic of him shirtless in a cowboy hat, hehe, total cheese. Yeah, he slept with an old lady on Gossip Girl...maybe he does the cougar thing in real life too. Grrrrrr....

Kellan Lutz
DOB: 3/15/85
Ooooo, born on the ides of March. Don't know what that is? Read some Shakespeare peeps. So I'm over these paperboy hats, but whatever, hawt.


Emile Hirsch
DOB: 3/13/85

Not sure how Emile got on my radar, but he's a cutie patootie.

Jackson Rathbone
DOB: 12/21/84

This little smirk makes me think that he is going to do bad things to me.



Justin Timberlake*
DOB: 1/31/81

This is for Mommy FC who thinks he's so talented and by "talented" she means hot.



Chris Pine*
DOB: 8/26/80

He brought sexy back to Star Trek...okay, it never was really there, but whatever!

Dave Annable*
DOB: 9/15/79

Still six months and 7 days younger than me, but certainly age appropriate. I think he's the least whiny of the Walkers.