BlogoWriMo Day 24 - Must Be Dead Bird

Twilight Cycles from Brandon Routh

We have all had bleeding vaginas at one time or another. Can you imagine putting a tampon up there that smells like garlic? Ew. Two words: dead bird.

BlogoWriMo Day 9 - You're How Old?

In honor of Sesame Street turning 40 years old (yes, I know I'm behind, but deal with it), I did some searching and found Sesame stuff related to Twilight. Can you believe it? Everything really can be related back to Twilight.

And make sure that you follow @twilightees on Twitter. For every 50 followers they get they are giving away a free CafePress t-shirt. Additionally on Friday the 13th (muahahahah!) they will be hosting a Twitter Twihard Treasure Hunt. Prizes will be 5 hoodies, Sigg bottles and flair for a dedicated, diehard Twilight fan!

BlogoWriMo Day 2 - More Twilight TFLN

(203): a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up. <-- I don't see what the big deal is...at least she wasn't licking the screen, hehe.

(317): There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas?? <-- Pattinson Panties that vibrate...natch.
(301): please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk <-- Why? Doesn't work quite as well when I tell people I'm Bella Swan...too twitchy I guess.

(310): kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
(1-310): damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
(859): Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time. <--Yes, it is sad. Sad that you would let such a hot piece of ass go to waste if he wasn't sparkly.

TWITARDED Meme Time!

So the other night the TWITARDED girls tagged us in their meme. I have to say that I wasn't exactly sure what a meme was so I looked it up...not very helpful it turns out, but who cares right? I immediately texted Bitches that she had homework to do before she went on vacay with the hubster for their anniversary. For those not familiar with the meme, here were the rules and questions and we hope you enjoy our answers.

Note to Mommy FC: You really should not read this post...please stop reading now. Thanks! LOL, FC

Let's do a Meme!

So here's the deal: STY and I came up with a couple of questions for all you bloggers. If you're tagged, answer the questions and tag four other blogs. Don't forget to link back to the blog that tagged you! Let's see how many blogs we can get to participate and hopefully at the end of all this we'll know a lot more about each other. Believe it or not, we even made the questions 99% other-blog friendly! I don't think I said vagina or cock gobbling in a single question!

On your mark, get set, GO!!
1) What is the craziest/most stupid thing you've ever done (that you would be willing to share!)?
2) One my personal favorite games: Fuck, Marry, Kill. With the Twilight cast. I can't wait to read these! (Or "Eff, Marry, Kill" if you don't have my potty mouth.)**3) What is your favorite band/type of music?
4) What is your favorite movie besides Twilight?
5) Do you RL life family/friends know you’re addicted to Twilight? A blogger?
6) How many hours a week do you spend doing Twi related things? You know, blogging, looking at pictures of the cast, reading fan fiction, etc.
7) Any random fact you might want to share. Big or small, it doesn't matter.

Bitches' Answers:

1. This isn't so much crazy as it is funny...to me anyway. There was once a friend who *only* wore tighty-whities *Cringe. Gag* and refused to cave into boxers despite a friend & my constant harassment & heckling. So, we procured a key from his roommate & stole every single last pair of panties he owned. Yes, even the soiled ones. Of course, we were gracious enough to leave him some replacements. Boxers. Good times.
2. Fuck Edward senseless. Kill Bella, don't give a rats ass about her. Marry Carlisle.
3. As lame as it sounds, I honestly don't have a favorite. I'm pretty open to all styles, however, I'm not a big country fan. Yea, not so much.
4. My favorite movie is Love Actually. Every Christmas Eve, Mr. Bitches and I snuggle up in front of the fire with a tasty beverage and watch it. It's tradition.
5. Yes, most of my RL family and friends know about my Twilight obsession. Some of them mock me and others are more understanding and even indulge and humor me, much to my delight.
6. I'm actually ashamed of my number. And not for the reason you'd think. Real life has been repeatedly flogging my ass and because of it, my number has slashed drastically.
7. I was homeschooled until eighth grade and raised in an extremely conservative Christian home. You know the crazy Mormon's with their whacked out turn of the century hair and floor length jumpers? Ok, well, we weren't that deranged, but pretty damn close. As you can all see, I've made a valiant comeback and made up for the lost years of cursing and general fuckery. The parents are beyond proud, let me tell you.

Fire Crotch's Answers (Mom, seriously, please don't read this):

1. When I was a freshman in college, I had a little addiction to online chatting. I would stay up all hours of the day and night talking to complete strangers online (I suppose this set me up well for my Twitter addiction). Anyway, I fell in with this group of people who were meeting up in Paris to go see a Joe Satriani concert. That would be Paris, France. So, what did I do? I invited myself along and went to the concert and then ended up staying with one of the guys in Manchester for a week. Not so bad right? I survived my first pub crawl (puking midway through really helps you finish strong), ate really great Indian food, and was introduced to Black Adder. Well, the really stupid part was that I told my parents I was going to Austria with a girlfriend from school. It was a fun trip, but looking back on it...Jesus, I was fucking insane.
2. Fuck: Alice while Jasper watches...or joins in. Marry: Jasper. Kill: Jacob (seriously, Mommy FC is out of control with her Team Jacob obsession).
3. Favorite band would be U2. Favorite music...I listen to just about everything (including country). Right now my absolute favorite is Dizzee Rascal...British rap just makes me happy.
4. Favorite movie is The Sound of Music. Hands down. Twilight doesn't even come close to this one.

5. I'm pretty much out there with my family and friends about my love of Twilight. You've all seen the vacation pics, the trip to NYC, and the pics with my aunt and grandmom. The minis will even be coming to Thanksgiving. As far as blogging, I think pretty much everyone knows except for my work peeps. I don't think they could handle the truth.
6. I spend probably between 30 and 50 hours a week doing Twilight related things. I'm including tweeting, emailing, texting, and shopping in with my blogging, fanfic reading, and Twilight watching time.
7. You wanna know how I picked my blog alias? I have red hair and the only thing I could think of was when everyone was calling Lindsay Lohan a fire crotch. When Bitches and I were creating the blog, Mr. Bitches was in the background and was first shocked and then laughed about then name, so I figured it was a go. And FYI...the rug matches the drapes.

Okay, so here's who's it!

Super Secret Twilight Blog

The Twiangle

Twisessed

Straight Jacket Aimee

Twilight v. New Moon Smackdown!

So remember back in July when I ordered 3 sets of New Moon figures for Bitches, SIL FC, and myself? And how they weren't supposed to be shipped until October? And how I didn't know how I would transport them? Yeah, well, guess who got a phone call last week from the online toy store? That would be me. Apparently there was a problem with my order...I gasped. Out loud. At work. Loud enough for coworkers to surround me with worried expressions and ready to offer words of encouragement for whatever catastrophe had befallen me. AWKWARD!

So, I called the toy store later that night at their new 800 number only to find that no one was answering. I got a bad feeling that someone had duped me and that I was out a bunch of money and my New Moon figures! Ahh! But I did not give up all hope...I called again the next morning. Apparently they had to confirm that I was over the age of 18 and to get the security code on my AMEX. I guess they have had a lot of tweens calling up and ordering multiple sets of action figures?

So they arrived last Thursday, and I couldn't wait to get home and see my new action figgies. I tore open the box with my near-Herculean strength and plunged through the layers of packing popcorn and finally snatched them free from the box of hell. The BF rolled his eyes as per usual. Upon further inspection, these figures are kind of angry looking. And then I got thinking...who would win in a Bella on Bella slap-fest?

And...the ladies are off! New Moon Bella's thicker, fuller hair and barely there tank top easily make the first move. Oooooo...New Moon Bella just slapped Twilight Bella into next week! TB barely even got her arm up to retaliate! Will this be the end?
...and Twilight Bella is down for the count! The guys seem to be getting a real kick out of the girl fight. Alice doesn't seem too pleased about things. Perhaps she wanted a piece of Twilight Bella...I think she could totally take her down. We may have to schedule another smackdown.

Who do you want to see in the next Smackdown?
NM Edward v. Twi Edward
NM Edward v. NM Jacob
NM Alice v. Twi Bella
Sunglasses Edward v. NM Edward

View Results

How Does This Relate to Vamps?

I've really gotten behind on my gossip and decided to peruse US Weekly this morning. And what did I find besides Jon Gosselin's douche status being confirmed over and over again? A little ditty from the Backstreet Boys. Apparently they are coming out with a new CD in October *FC jumps up and down and squees just a little*. So of course I decided to watch the new video and this is what I saw (sorry, embedding is disabled, but if you click the pic it will take you to the vide on YouTube).



Now, I heart vampires in a big way just like the rest of you, but after watching this video, I started to smell desperation. The title of the song is Straight Through My Heart, so I guess with the vamp theme they are going for the stake through the heart deal. Somehow this just seems like they are reaching. Maybe they are trying to tap into the mature Twitard market since we were teenagers when the BSBs were cool. I give the video 3 out of 5 mehs. Seriously, they needed to throw in some sparkle action and/or some hot, shirtless vampire guys. Oh and in the whole video the boys aren't vamps, but wait for it...warning, spoiler ahead, at the end they are!


I raise my bottle of Diet Mtn Dew to the boys and wish them well on their comeback (isn't this like their second one?). Not sure if they will warrant their own cruise or anything (like NKTOB), but if they come anywhere near where I am, I will totally go to there. And perhaps in their next video they can get on the rolled up skinny jeans train and writhe around on stripper poles like Miley (seriously, when did rolled up skinny jeans become a trend?).

How Winning the Mega Millions Would Change My Twi-Life

With Mega Millions fever running rampant across much of the US...okay perhaps it's only a fever in my head...I've given a lot of thought in the past couple of weeks to how winning this massive jackpot would or wouldn't change my life. And by massive, I mean $252 big ones with a capital M. Sorry for all you Powerball players...one ticket hit the $260 million jackpot last week. Anywho, I've gone through the normal list of things to do:

1. Hire a personal driver. Yes, this has been my dream basically since my 18th birthday when I was handed the keys to a car and thus apparently became responsible for my own transportation. I hate driving. I wish all the stupid drivers (you know you are: the people who drive under the speed limit in the left-hand lane, the people who do not signal when turning, the people who are too busy talking on their cell phones, texting, reading, eating, or otherwise engaged in an activity not condusive to driving) would just get off the road already and let me clip along at 90 mph. I think a personal driver would make perfect sense, and yes, it would be the first thing I would do.


2. Make Mommy FC retire. And how do I propose she break the news to her coworkers? I'd have her roll up to her place of business with a bunch of Costco sheet cakes all emblazoned with this slogan: "Toodaloo motherfuckas!" Too much? Perhaps, but I would certainly get a kick out of it. *To explain this proverbial middle finger to her employer, Mommy FC is a prolific baker. Her cakes, breads, and cookies are highly sought after in her workplace. Growing up as a child was tough in the FC household. We would have to smell and see these wonderful tasty treats being made on a weekly basis for meetings, birthdays, and just because. Then they would be whisked away by Mommy FC saying that these are "for work." So yeah, they get Costco sheetcakes, which frankly are super-tasty and probably still too good for these people.


3. Pay off the credit card, the car (only 8 more payments and it's all mine!), the mortgage


4. Take a month-long vacation with Bitches and Mr. Bitches and buy lots of purses (Aspen Food and Wine festival anyone?)...and Mr. Bitches can bring a friend to go to basketball games and whatnot with.


5. Build a cell phone tower receiver thing on my roof...seriously...why do I have to walk outside to get cell phone reception?

Those are the immediate concerns. Obviously I would have to think about the rest of my family, but that's boring, so let's move on to what I began thinking about today. How would my Twi-life change? I was making my bed and was kind of shocked that I hadn't thought about this subject before. Twilight has become such an integral part of my life. From the blog to Twitter to vacationing with Pocket Edward, I would have so much to gain by winning the Mega Millions. Just think about it for a minute...gone would be the tweets, "RL calls, bbl" or "gotta make dinner" or "need to go to work." Okay, well, maybe not the "RL calls, bbl" tweet because Lord knows that massuer out by the pool can't wait for you all day and meetings with your personal shopper must be taken. However, I was able to come up with a few Twi-related purchases that would definitely enhance my Twi-life.

1. A nice shiny volvo


2. A kiss from Robert Pattinson...for charity of course!


3. Plane tickets (first class of course...or maybe a private jet) to Forks...time for a little field trip


4. Those creepy looking Tonner dolls



5. Bitches and I will definitely be getting the VIP package to all of the Twi-conventions


6. And Memory_Jean and I will totally become groupies for 100 Monkeys

Ah, just thinking about all of the time that I could spend blogging, tweeting, reading fanfic, and learning how to do proper photo manipulations so that I can put my face convincingly over KStew's in all couply pics with RPattz, makes me jizz in my pants just a little bit. Perhaps I would even embark upon writing my own fic (Tasha, you know the one).

So I will leave you with this final thought in closing. If you won millions, what would you do to make your Twi-life better?

Twilight and That 70s Show

Ever wonder what Twilight might have looked like had it been filmed in the 70s? No? Well, too bad because this video is going to show you.

SMVGREY's videos have totally captivated me this week...especially her recent Eric video. And if you don't know Eric, you should watch it (hint...he's the hottie in True Blood that I totally want to lock in a room and...um, well, I'm not going to divulge all the details of that particular fantasy). Anyway, she has some other cool Twilight vids as well as a plethora of True Blood vids. Check them out and show her some love!

More Emails from the Edge

Two nights ago, I was working hard on a post (not for here, for here) and needed a break. Being the good daughter that I am, I decided to email Mommy FC. This is what I sent her:

From: FC
Sent: Wed 8/12/09 12:16 AM
To: Mommy FC
Cc: SIL FC; Bitches
Subject: Mommy Dearest

Mom, I feel that I have given you plenty of time to get used to the blog, and I have left some subtle hints about how you now need to read The Saga and come into the fold or else. I was able to infect Bitches, SIL, my boss, and countless others indirectly with my Twi-mania, and since it is a mere 100 days until the New Moon premiere, I must insist that you read at the very least Twilight on your Canadian Rockies trip. You'll have plenty of boring airplane time to devote to the cause. I would even venture to say that you will probably zip through the book and may need to lend it to Aunt FC.

I'm going to speak for SIL FC and the niece when I proclaim that you must read Twilight and New Moon before Thanksgiving (when I will be home and we will all trek to the cinema and shell out tens of dollars to see this movie for at least the 4th or 5th time). Please be on the lookout for a package from Amazon. Believe me, you will thank me later. And in case you think you are the only bloggy Mom being forced to read The Saga, think again:

The Reluctant Twitard

On another note...I have decided to reclaim my Twiginity and will not be watching any movie trailers, interviews, or set-stalking pics. I fear I may have ruined New Moon for myself by watching everything available on the interwebs over the past few months, so I have vowed that Eclipse will be different. I want to be able to enjoy it like I did Twilight...pointing out every single thing that wasn't in the book. I hope that you will all support me in not being spoiler bunnies. Bitches is taking bets on how long I will last...she doesn't even give me until the end of the month.

And, yes, I realize that perhaps I have lost my sanity, but at the very least, it's been entertaining right? I'm burning the midnight oil literally doing a guest blog post and needed a break. Anyway, hope you enjoyed. Oh, and mom, the Twitarded post does have spoilers, so you may not want to read the entire thing.

Love,
FC

Well, it's been 2 days...and nothing. Either Mommy FC is planning a Twintervention or I have stupefied her with my twihardedness. So I emailed SIL FC to get the goods on the situation on the home front this morning. Apparently, this is what Mommy FC had to say:

From: SIL FC
To: FC
Sent: Thu 8/13/09 7:57 AM
Subject RE: I blame you again‏ <--this is for introducing her to The Submissive and The Dominant and put the NSFW warning on there...and of course she read it at work!

She mentioned the email to me. She was confused. Her words were, "I received this really bizarre email from FC." I started laughing. She said, "she wants me to read those books but the niece would never lend them to me." I replied, "mom she is sending them to you via amazon." She was like, "Oh. Well, whatever." I told her it was only fair for her to have to read them, since she narked me out to you and you force fed them to me, lmao!

Somehow I don't think, "Oh. Well, whatever," was the appropriate response. *clasping hands together evilly* Mommy FC may be getting a mini-E delivery to her place of work one of these days. Mwuhahahahaha!

And for all of you who would also like to join the spoiler-free zone, here's some inspiration courtesy of EtomyB.

Let Google Search Help You!

After a long bloggy absence (okay it's only been since Saturday), I come back today stronger than ever. Okay not really. I just totally ripped off the idea from here because I have a lot of work to do and don't have the time or energy to be original. Sorry peeps.

So you know how when you type stuff in the Google Search and it prompts you with possible queries? If not, go to Google and try it, after you read this blog of course fool! Here are some mighty interesting searches for sure.

I understand all of the doomsday stuff, but check that out...we twi-hards must have our Twilight DVDs! It's certainly more important than finding out when the recession will end but slightly less important than finding out when you will get your tax refund. Here's why: lots of peeps needed the refund to go and purchase said Twilight DVD.

People want to know where the vice president lives only slightly more than they want to know where Robert Pattinson lives. Hmmm...very interesting. I can't understand the Miley Cyrus inquiry, perhaps it's all of the middle-aged stalkers she has.

TMI alert! I have googled "why is my poop green." You'll have to google to find out why it turned green. And now I totally need to understand "why is a raven like a writing desk." Sounds like some crazy-ass English assignment that the kid was hoping to copy from the interwebs.

"How does Twitter work?" Not very well the for the past week. And I would also like to know how David Blaine levitates...he is the spawn of Satan...seriously, he is creepy. Maybe if he dated Cameron Diaz it would bring his creepiness level down to defcon 3.

You seriously don't know what "if you seek Amy" means? Still? Even after the Britney song? You probably are the same person who doesn't understand what "sofa king awesome" means either. Here's a hint...just say it fast...and if you still don't get it, then it's probably something you don't do very often.

"She's more important than the antichrist and Lady Gaga..."
"What is, who is Robert Pattinson dating?"
Ding, ding, ding! "You are correct. Make your next selection."
"Thanks Alex, I'll take crazy Google searches for $400."

Thanks for joining the studio audience. Here's a lovely parting gift for you.

Twilight For Porn

After lurking around the blog for quite some time, a friend of Mr. Bitches made a request. He wanted to borrow Twilight so he could "see what all the fuss is about." After I recovered from shock, I decided there was no harm in lending out my precious possession. Then it occurred to me, this friend (who shall remain nameless) has quite the impressive adult entertainment collection and I have been in the market for some lately. I've just been too cheap and lazy to take the plunge and make a purchase. Yes, we are in possession of some *cough, cough* movies, but the quality leaves a lot to be desired and nothing kills the mood like a crappy picture or 80's hair. Both equally disturbing.



Mr. BItches doesn't understand what the problem is with 80's hair and probably see's nothing wrong with the above photo. .


So, I propositioned him, you lend me some good quality smut and you can borrow my precious Twilight. A deal was struck, and the other day I pimped out my DVD and in return have some good adult entertainment to look forward to and hopefully multiple unicorns! Everyone is happy...I'm happy, "nameless friend" is happy and even Mr. Bitches benefits from the deal.

[TFLN]: Twilight Edition

Some of these will make you laugh, some will make you cry, and some will make you laugh until you cry because you realize that you texted them and your "friend" totally outed you. Thanks Bitches.

(609): You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
(1-609): Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.

(910): is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise. <-- WTF?

(714): so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
(1-714): yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed... <--That touches a bit close to home.

(480): A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.

(202): he's my edward cullen
(770): I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.

(432): So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
(207): You need to stop watching Twilight.

(303): maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."

(440): We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
(1-440): I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!

(404): Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.

(904): I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
(1-904): It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.

Wow, they were so cute back in the day!

(847): And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
(1-847): I should injure you considerably. <--Bitches was not amused because she was sitting in bible study when I sent this.

(802): that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight <-- Is this a bust on KStew? Say it ain't so!

(310): my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet. <-- Sorry Mommy FC

(610): Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight? <-- Me back in March
(570): No <-- Bitches answer...oh, how time and threats change things

(937): I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again. <-- Sounds like a normal Thursday night for me

(210): Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head? <-- I don't think they do that sort of stuff in Utah.

On My Way To Lunch Today...

As I was walking out of the house I noticed a large envelope on my kitchen counter. I was about to get really pissed off because I had just finished cleaning up the kitchen and here was one more thing messing up the place. I haven't actually seen the surface of my dining room table since some time back in 2008, so the fact that I can see my kitchen counter is a big win. Anyway, I figured I would stop and check what this envelope was in case it could go directly to the recycling on my way out. And then I saw it...my name and the Luftpost (airmail) stickers. What the heck? I wasn't expecting any packages, especially not something from overseas. And then I looked at the return address, and who else could it be but my Twitter besty MrsVanquish! My heart began palpitating faster and faster. I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks (not those you naughty things...the ones on my face). As I ripped the envelope open with as much care as I could muster, I plunged my hand into the envelope to reveal a Robert Pattinson 2010 calendar! My breath caught and I let out a little squee! The BF asked what I received, and I lovingly showed it to him. There was an eye roll and then the statement, "That's not going in the bedroom." I quickly gathered everything up and headed off to lunch. I was bursting at the seams by the time I dropped by to see Bitches (actually she picked me up like a hitchhiker by the side of the road, but that's another story which isn't entertaining at all). Bitches was on her lunch break, so we had some time to peruse Mrs. V's precious care package. We also took some time to take some pictures with the dear Mr. Pattinson.

Things got a little hotter in the next set of photos. Between the laughter, Bitches' freaking out that her coworkers would find out (I'm sure they particularly liked it when I said, "just lick it already!"), and the obviously steamy poses, we were in pieces! Bitches had to go and turn on a fan to cool us down.

As I was trying to put the calendar away, I couldn't figure out why it wouldn't fit back in the envelope. Well lo and behold, there was more in the package! I eagerly fished the item out and found that it was a set of New Moon magnets. Bitches picked a particularly nice one of Mr. P. to put on her refrigerator. *Sharing is caring people.* I can't thank Mrs. V enough for these wonderfully delectable treats. Make sure to check out her blog and show her some love!

Vanilla Sex...Part Two

Since Mr. Bitches Vanilla Sex Public Service Announcement was so well received last week, he has compiled another list in an effort to educate and possibly enrich our sex lives. Future Vanilla Sex Posts and other Public Service Announcements will be featured on Mr. Bitches new blog. Please to enjoy:

As a follow up Public Service Announcement, I have decided to provide more examples of "How to know if you're having vanilla sex." If you find yourself in any of the following situations, please make changes before it is too late.

This may look good, but doesn't the next one look better?

On to the countdown.....

1. You get happy when the spouse breaks out the chocolate sauce and whipped cream because you know you're getting a sundae.

2.You hear a buzzing sound coming from the bathroom and know its an electric toothbrush.

3. "I need to trim the bush" actually means going outside and cutting the hedges.

4. While watching 9 ½ Weeks all you can think about is how much cleaning up it's going to take in the kitchen.

5. It really is just a back massager.

6. Pearl necklaces go in the jewelry box right next to the gold ones.

7. Someone asks you about your toy chest and you give them a full account of the GI Joe's, Transformer's, and Hot Wheel cars your kids keep in it.

8. Dirty Sanchez is the homeless guy on the corner

9. Deep Throat was a political informant.

10. Dick's and BJ’s are fine shopping establishments.

And the Extra Bonus way to know you're having vanilla sex:

If you tie your husband to the bed... Wait for it... Only so you can watch Twilight in peace. You're having vanilla sex.

While the Cat's Away, Fire Crotch Will Play

The BF is away again this weekend at some game championship thing, so I figured it was time to do some redecorating. I mainly focused my attention on the bedroom. I spend so little time here (because I travel you naughty things) that when I come home, the bedroom is the first place I go.

This picture is the before. Don't you just love my generic Christmas-outfitted Snoopy? His name is K-Mart...one guess where I got him. Apparently I threw a fit in the store when I saw this adorable creature and my parents got him for me instead of giving me a swift kick in the ass. He's had some mishaps along the way, one being some makeup and an eye that keeps falling out, but K-Mart has been with me since I was a wee babe.

This is the after shot. Yeah, I totally covered up that beautiful hand-painted picture of the River Seine and the Eiffel Tower that everyone either has seen or bought while in Paris. I think I like the update. Très magnifique, non?

Okay, so I was too lazy to take the picture frame off the wall and actually put the Sexy Stars of Twilight poster under the glass for proper protection, but I figure this way it will be easier to switch out the picture. I swear that his eyes follow me when I walk in the room. Kinda creepy...creepy awesome!

And check out the view from my bed! Amongst all of the pics of my family and friends on my bureau, I can now see RPattz hotness staring back at me. Grandmom FC (with me in the gold picture frame) approves!

Oh, and what do we have here on the nightstand? Oh, it's RPattz. Right next to those books that I probably will never read because they aren't in my Kindle and my night cream for my poor cracked heels. Let's take a closer look shall we?

Um, so every time I see the picture in the bottom, I think of the phrase "choking a chicken" (kudos Jenny Jerkface).

And check it out...those three little pictures at the top spin around, so I can change Rob up any way I want. Amcas, please note the pic in the top left...still love your file name, heh.

I only wish I could be here when the BF comes home and sees what I have done. Seeing as how my urgings on Friday to grow out his hair and to take me to Comic-Con next year were greeted with suspicion ("Wait a sec, is this some kind of Twilight thing?"), I can't wait to hear what he has to say about the redecorating. He really should know better than to leave me home alone. Muwahahahahahaha!

Burn it to the Ground!

So after being shut out of seeing the New Moon trailer at The Proposal last weekend, I was hopeful to see it at Harry Potter this evening. Nay, hopeful is not really what I was. I believe I may have on more than one occasion via Twitter threaten to "burn the theater to the ground" if I didn't see the New Moon trailer. A little extreme, I will admit, but how many tens of dollars do I have to shell out to see this trailer on the big screen? This isn't my first foray into threatening to burn something down. I previously wanted to burn down a Dairy Queen because every time I went there they were out of some key sundae ingredient. What key ingredients do you ask? Oh, a little thing called chocolate ice cream, another time is was chocolate sauce, and another time it was chocolate jimmies (not to be confused with rainbow sprinkles). I actually told my mom the next time we go to that Dairy Queen and they are out of something, that I would burn it to the ground. Luckily, they had every ingredient necessary to make my sundae, so they were safe that day. Okay, enough about my irate pyro ways. I did see the trailer and was happy as a clam for the rest of the movie.

Okay, so the movie. Seeing as how I haven't read the books in a couple of years and basically whatever I read pretty much drops out of my head as soon as I move onto my next book, I needed a little refresher on the Harry Potter-verse. I didn't feel I could commit to watching all of the movies this past week, so I figured I would go online and Google it. Yeah, well, instead of doing that I spent that day doing laundry, paying bills, and oh, watching a little movie called Twilight. It's called six degrees of Harry Potter okay? Totally related...I mean Rob Pattinson was in a couple of those Potter movies. Alas, it was time to meet my girlfriend (who admitted that she finally started reading Twilight this morning!) at the theater. So, not really remembering the book, I was going into this kind of blind, but I was ready to be entertained. The movie was great. But mostly I remember thinking that the people who did the makeup for the HP movie should have done the vampire makeup for Twilight. I mean, damn, don't these people look like vamps?

We're not vamps, but we are magical creatures! L to R: Draco, Snape, Tom Riddle, Harry and Hermione

And then I just started looking for random Potter stuff and happened on this action figure. Look at the craftsmanship. Does it remind you of anybody? Pocket Edward perhaps? Look at the opposable elbows, the legs that don't move, the painted on jeans, and non-removable jacket. I wonder if Harry's wang, er I mean wand (yeah, my funny referring to ming reading), detaches from his hand. Probably not. Who do you think would win? Harry does have a stand so, sure footing could be his greatest advantage (you bitches all know how tough it is to get PE to stand up on his own!).

Okay, well, I hope you all enjoyed my Harry Potter review. If you didn't and want a real one, hop on over to COD Widow's blog. If you did like it, leave me a comment! I know you lurkers are out there...why don't you just leave a little comment love? Who knows...perhaps we will become besties and I will send you a copy of the Sexy Stars of Twilight. Seriously, I did that for Mrs. V. And if you got here because you Googled jail bait...sorry!