The Rumors Are True: Please Help Me Redeem Myself

It's true. The only piece of fanfic I have read is Wide Awake. *hangs head in shame* Quiet down, quiet down. It's shameful, I know. Ever since FC mercilessly outted me on Twitter the other day, it has weighed heavy on my heart. Before you judge or blacklist me, I'm convinced I wouldn't be in this position if they came in book form. I'm not a fan of coming home after a long day of staring at the computer screen, only to continue the torture in the evening. No matter how many unicorns are involved. And while I have a crackberry which is an amazing piece of technology and a portable vessel in which fanfic could be easily accessed at any moment, reading more than a few pages isn't something I enjoy. Then, there is the bain of my existence, The Man. The Man has made the last months of my life absolute torture, and to be honest, after a long day of fuckery my brain discontinues functioning and all I want to do is sit in a darkened room in absolute silence. Even if I did have time to do some pleasure reading during work, apparently, my employer finds this activity neither productive or a fundamental activity to completing my daily tasks. So, I'm left to reading on my own time, which is sparse and cherished.

Anywho, I absolutely loved Wide Awake. I was hooked immediately and enjoyed the adult content. It also gave me a new phrase which fits perfectly into my life and is used often - FML. It's this reason (as well as the hounding and heckling I receive regularly from FC) that leads me to overcome my issues and read another fanfic. I've been assured that the below choices contain adult content (which is now a requirement for my smutty mind) and are each pieces of wonderment. Ultimately, I will read them all, however, I need a good place to start and figured, who better to ask than the experts?

What should I read next?

How Winning the Mega Millions Would Change My Twi-Life

With Mega Millions fever running rampant across much of the US...okay perhaps it's only a fever in my head...I've given a lot of thought in the past couple of weeks to how winning this massive jackpot would or wouldn't change my life. And by massive, I mean $252 big ones with a capital M. Sorry for all you Powerball players...one ticket hit the $260 million jackpot last week. Anywho, I've gone through the normal list of things to do:

1. Hire a personal driver. Yes, this has been my dream basically since my 18th birthday when I was handed the keys to a car and thus apparently became responsible for my own transportation. I hate driving. I wish all the stupid drivers (you know you are: the people who drive under the speed limit in the left-hand lane, the people who do not signal when turning, the people who are too busy talking on their cell phones, texting, reading, eating, or otherwise engaged in an activity not condusive to driving) would just get off the road already and let me clip along at 90 mph. I think a personal driver would make perfect sense, and yes, it would be the first thing I would do.


2. Make Mommy FC retire. And how do I propose she break the news to her coworkers? I'd have her roll up to her place of business with a bunch of Costco sheet cakes all emblazoned with this slogan: "Toodaloo motherfuckas!" Too much? Perhaps, but I would certainly get a kick out of it. *To explain this proverbial middle finger to her employer, Mommy FC is a prolific baker. Her cakes, breads, and cookies are highly sought after in her workplace. Growing up as a child was tough in the FC household. We would have to smell and see these wonderful tasty treats being made on a weekly basis for meetings, birthdays, and just because. Then they would be whisked away by Mommy FC saying that these are "for work." So yeah, they get Costco sheetcakes, which frankly are super-tasty and probably still too good for these people.


3. Pay off the credit card, the car (only 8 more payments and it's all mine!), the mortgage


4. Take a month-long vacation with Bitches and Mr. Bitches and buy lots of purses (Aspen Food and Wine festival anyone?)...and Mr. Bitches can bring a friend to go to basketball games and whatnot with.


5. Build a cell phone tower receiver thing on my roof...seriously...why do I have to walk outside to get cell phone reception?

Those are the immediate concerns. Obviously I would have to think about the rest of my family, but that's boring, so let's move on to what I began thinking about today. How would my Twi-life change? I was making my bed and was kind of shocked that I hadn't thought about this subject before. Twilight has become such an integral part of my life. From the blog to Twitter to vacationing with Pocket Edward, I would have so much to gain by winning the Mega Millions. Just think about it for a minute...gone would be the tweets, "RL calls, bbl" or "gotta make dinner" or "need to go to work." Okay, well, maybe not the "RL calls, bbl" tweet because Lord knows that massuer out by the pool can't wait for you all day and meetings with your personal shopper must be taken. However, I was able to come up with a few Twi-related purchases that would definitely enhance my Twi-life.

1. A nice shiny volvo


2. A kiss from Robert Pattinson...for charity of course!


3. Plane tickets (first class of course...or maybe a private jet) to Forks...time for a little field trip


4. Those creepy looking Tonner dolls



5. Bitches and I will definitely be getting the VIP package to all of the Twi-conventions


6. And Memory_Jean and I will totally become groupies for 100 Monkeys

Ah, just thinking about all of the time that I could spend blogging, tweeting, reading fanfic, and learning how to do proper photo manipulations so that I can put my face convincingly over KStew's in all couply pics with RPattz, makes me jizz in my pants just a little bit. Perhaps I would even embark upon writing my own fic (Tasha, you know the one).

So I will leave you with this final thought in closing. If you won millions, what would you do to make your Twi-life better?

Jackson Rathbone: A Tribute

I have made my first foray into the world of video. And since iMovie was so easy to use, I may be doing this again. I have dedicated this video to the future Mrs. Jackson Rathbone, Memory_Jean (which of course is hotly debated nightly on Twitter). Please be kind...or don't...I'm still hoping for my first hate mail. Without much further ado, please to enjoy!

I'll take a couple tickets to ride if you don't all mind. I will be leaving you all now to crank up the A/C because I'm a hot mess. Thanks for watching!

TWI-tter PHAIL!

So rant Wednesday is going to be rant Thursday. After spending hours deep in code and just usual computer grossness, I wanted to take a break and catch up with the TWI-tter friends. At 10:30 AM I checked my TweetDeck and what do I see? No new tweets since 9:02 AM. So I didn't freak out right away because sometimes this happens, and rebooting the app usual fixes it. Reboot and nada. O!M!G! Seriously, this tehsuckzors. Still needing to get my social fix (I work in a cube in the far corner of the office where no one ever comes to see me), I hopped over to Facebook. No dice, it was being a bitch too. So now what the hell was I supposed to do? Not wanting to interrupt my XM radio on my iPhone, texting was out (seriously, can't someone fix this problem?). So, I went back to the old faithful...email. I know, yuck, right? So here's a sampling of the hundreds of emails I sent out today.

From: FC
To: SIL FC
Sent: Thu 8/06/09 10:40 AM
Subject: Re: Just Checking in

OMG...finally finished my mind-numbing report work and WTF do I find on TweetDeck? No new tweets since 9 AM. Then I try to go to Twitter and either the man is blocking it now or Twitter is having a major fail. I'm trying to do TweetDeck on my iPhone and it's getting nothing. I'm really hoping this is a Twitter problem and not me working at the suckiest place on earth.

From: FC
To: SIL FC
Sent: Thu 8/06/09 10:41 AM
Subject: RE: Just checking in‏

Okay, just found this, so I can stop freaking out...well sort of.

http://mashable.com/2009/08/06/twitter-down/

From: FC
To: Bitches
Sent: Thu 8/06/09 10:43 AM
Subject: FUUUUCK!‏

Twitter is down and I am freaking out!

From: FC
To: SIL FC
Sent: Thu 8/06/09 10:50 AM
Subject: Re: Just Checking in

and now FB is being a bitch and I can't update my status...kill me.

From: FC
To: sjAimee
Sent: Thu 8/06/09 11:00 AM
Subject: Hey

Since I got pulled into mind numbing work last night and totally lost your email, I am going to start over today with a new email since Twitter and FB are both being bitches. I am rewarding myself with some email time because I just spend 2.5 hours on more mind-numbing work this morning.

Anyway, I found myself humming to some Jonas Brothers song and I looked over at my Robward pic and he actually sneered at me. Okay, perhaps I have been working too hard.

From: Bitches
To: FC
Date: Thu, 6 Aug 2009 14:54:30 +0000
Subject: Re: FUUUUCK!

What are you going to do!? Work?!?! : D I thought it was just me & my phone since I also couldn't bring up the link to Wide Awake.

From: FC
To: Bitches
Sent: Thu 8/06/09 11:02 AM
Subject: Re: FUUUUCK!

No, twitter is down and they don't know why. FB is being a bitch too and I can't update my status with anything witty about how lost I feel without Twitter and now only have stupid FB. And just so you know, I have been hard at work all morning. I didn't even notice that Twitter wasn't working because I was so engrossed in my stupid stored procedure and Crystal report for like 2.5 hours. My brain hurts. And now I have to go do some other crappy shit. Boo.

From: FC
To: COD Widow
Sent: Thu 8/06/09 11:07 AM
Subject: Hey, it's me FireCr0tch‏

OMG...I'm starting to have the shakes about the whole Twitter situation. Glad you enjoyed the bad baby video. I was so psyched that it was online! And FB is being a bitch right now too. Aghhhh! Thanks for the comment. Work is killing me right now. I just spent 6 hours on 2 reports. SQL sucks sometimes. Okay, enough of my ranting.

From: FC
To: COD Widow; Cutie SSTB; riegerj; Bitches
Sent: Thu 8/06/09 11:13 AM
Subject: It's a Social Network Apocalypse‏

I'm kind of freaking out...and yes, I'm still emailing about it (and I don't apologize for slamming your inboxes full of my ranting). Twitter is suffering from a malicious attack and FB is being slow. I'm not lying. Check out:

http://mashable.com/2009/08/06/twitter-downtime/
http://mashable.com/2009/08/06/facebook-down-3/

What the hell am I supposed to do? I suppose I should go back to work, but I really needed a break after working for 6 hours on 2 measly reports (seriously riegerj, I hate Microsoft SQL and Crystal and want to kill myself). FML.

From: Bitches
To: FC
Date: Thu, 6 Aug 2009 15:50:52 +0000
Subject: Re: It's a Social Network Apocalypse

I know I shouldn't laugh at your pain, but I am a tad amused...perhaps tonights post can be about how your survived, or didn't rather, the Social Network Apocalypse. It can be your struggles, the ups & downs you experienced and the general angst & withdrawals you felt.

From: FC
To: Bitches
Sent: Thu 8/06/09 12:02 PM
Subject: RE: It's a Social Network Apocalypse‏

I can't believe you are mocking my pain and want me to post it for sport. <--that was sarcasm because I know it may not come through that way

‏

From: FC
To: Mr. Bitches
Sent: Thu 8/06/09 1:16 PM
Subject: I can't even comment on your comment on my status

because FB is still being a bitch...what is its problem...I mean really. And why is there no communication. I am over FB I think.

From: Bitches
To: FC
Date: Thu, 6 Aug 2009 19:34:32 +0000
Subject: Re: It's a Social Network Apocalypse

How are you holding up? Are you sweating and shaking profusely like a crack whore on your 3rd day of sobriety? Are you under your desk curled up in the fetal position rocking back and forth in a catatonic state mumbling "fuck my life" repeatedly... Or, perhaps you've gone a more violent route, hissing & screaming profanities at everyone in a 20 feet radius...

From: FC
To: Bitches
Sent: Thu 8/06/09 3:45 PM
Subject: RE: It's a Social Network Apocalypse‏

Of course not...it's back up...at least for now...TweetDeck wasn't working for a while and that sucked balls. I'm just trying to make it through the rest of the day.

From: Bitches
To: FC
Date: Thu, 6 Aug 2009 19:49:59 +0000
Subject: Re: It's a Social Network Apocalypse

Hehe...glad to hear you've survived the Social Network Apocalypse of 2009. Heh . I just tried to bring Twitter up & its now working...hmmm...

‏From: FC
To: Bitches
Sent: Thu 8/06/09 3:52 PM
Subject: RE: It's a Social Network Apocalypse

I won't lie and say that there wasn't a 10 minute moment about 40 minutes ago where I was bobbing my knee up and down and chewing on my nails just wondering if my tweets were working.

So, yeah, I guess I am addicted to Twitter. I hope you enjoyed my lunatic ravings and some of the truly inspired replies I got from my peeps.

Love yous!
XOXO
Gossip Girl...wait...WTF?

On My Way To Lunch Today...

As I was walking out of the house I noticed a large envelope on my kitchen counter. I was about to get really pissed off because I had just finished cleaning up the kitchen and here was one more thing messing up the place. I haven't actually seen the surface of my dining room table since some time back in 2008, so the fact that I can see my kitchen counter is a big win. Anyway, I figured I would stop and check what this envelope was in case it could go directly to the recycling on my way out. And then I saw it...my name and the Luftpost (airmail) stickers. What the heck? I wasn't expecting any packages, especially not something from overseas. And then I looked at the return address, and who else could it be but my Twitter besty MrsVanquish! My heart began palpitating faster and faster. I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks (not those you naughty things...the ones on my face). As I ripped the envelope open with as much care as I could muster, I plunged my hand into the envelope to reveal a Robert Pattinson 2010 calendar! My breath caught and I let out a little squee! The BF asked what I received, and I lovingly showed it to him. There was an eye roll and then the statement, "That's not going in the bedroom." I quickly gathered everything up and headed off to lunch. I was bursting at the seams by the time I dropped by to see Bitches (actually she picked me up like a hitchhiker by the side of the road, but that's another story which isn't entertaining at all). Bitches was on her lunch break, so we had some time to peruse Mrs. V's precious care package. We also took some time to take some pictures with the dear Mr. Pattinson.

Things got a little hotter in the next set of photos. Between the laughter, Bitches' freaking out that her coworkers would find out (I'm sure they particularly liked it when I said, "just lick it already!"), and the obviously steamy poses, we were in pieces! Bitches had to go and turn on a fan to cool us down.

As I was trying to put the calendar away, I couldn't figure out why it wouldn't fit back in the envelope. Well lo and behold, there was more in the package! I eagerly fished the item out and found that it was a set of New Moon magnets. Bitches picked a particularly nice one of Mr. P. to put on her refrigerator. *Sharing is caring people.* I can't thank Mrs. V enough for these wonderfully delectable treats. Make sure to check out her blog and show her some love!

Rant Wednesday - We ♥ Rachelle

So I am starting my rant all over again...you were going to get a hot steaming pile of Jon and Kate do the UPS Store, but in light of the developments last night I give you:

WTF Summit?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Thanks wheatysgirl for the awesome pic.

Sign one of the many petitions to keep Rachelle Lefevre as Victoria in Eclipse. And if you have been hiding in a closet rocking back and forth in the fetal position waiting for the next chapter of Wide Awake and don't understand all of the hoopla blowing up on the interwebs, click here to find out what I'm talking about.

Petitions:
www.petitiononline.com/Rlefevre
http://301.to/600

And go crazy on Twitter! #BringBackRachelle

Okay, to change the subject, here's a little ditty that I saw a while ago and still makes me laugh. Please to enjoy.

New Moon Merch!!!

Okay, so I just finished working a 12 hour night shift and downed a caramel frappuccino from Starbucks, so I am highly caffeinated and somewhat sleep-deprived. However, sometime this morning (I think it was around 3 AM 'cause that's when I started sending zillions of emails to Bitches and SIL FC thinking they could talk me down...yeah they would be up at 3 AM...heh) I started receiving twitpics from TwiFans about some fabulous New Moon merch.

It's Pocket Bella and Pocket Alice! Man, Alice's hair looks flat.

And of course, Pocket Edward must make an appearance. He's pretty dapper if I do say so myself.

But, this fella was the one that really got me crazy. Pocket Jacob! If you haven't been following me on Twitter then you may not know about my ambition to have a Pocket Jacob doll. I really was hoping for a two-pack: one with Jacob being normal and one in his wolf form. Alas, no pics of that, but there's still time right? Neca, hear my cry...give me a Jacob man-wolf 2-pack! **Just a note, I am NOT Team Jacob, I just really want a wolf...I think it would make for some excellent photography**

Okay, so what was my next logical step? Send the pics to my friends? RT to my tweeples (in English that means retweet the tweets to my followers)? Yes and yes. Find out where to buy these bad boys and girls? Yes. The next step, well, I kind of went over the edge. I found a site where you could pre-order all 4 action figures. So I emailed Bitches and SIL FC to let them know about it and that I was thinking of pre-ordering them. I mean $64.99 is a steal really when you think about it. I have already documented the hours of enjoyment to be had with my current Edwards and Bella. So I figured I would favorite the link and come back to order them later. Well, about 20 minutes goes by and I email Bitches and SIL FC back to let them know that they will be the proud owners of the set as well. Oh, and of course I chose express delivery, heh. The items aren't shipping until October...just in time for the movie. Yeah, it's going to be a Twi-Christmas at my house this year, so what if it's in October? The BF doesn't know it yet, but he's totally getting a Forks PE t-shirt (he'll never know, just like his Napoleon Dynamite PHS PE t-shirt).

So now what am I worrying about? What will they travel in? 7 artist's models--erm action figures won't fit in my little pencil case. Obviously the Edwards and Jacob cannot travel in the same case. And like hell will the Edwards allow the Bellas to ride with Jacob...so I guess Alice will be stuck with him. This is quite the dilemma, but I know that I will be able to get through it with careful travel consideration for all parties involved.

TwiPorn Book Club

For those of you not up on Twitter (ahem, Bitches), my girl cuteangiek over at SSTB is going to be hosting a Twi fanfic (I have been assured that there is adult content) book club on Friday nights. The first selection is Wide Awake by Angstgoddess003. Clicky the awesome pic (courtesy of Cutie herself) for the link. The content is mature, so no immature underage readers please.

I really can't express my excitement about this epic event. Thanks Cutie for hosting! Check out her sweet site for all the dets. Now go out and read some porn!