Friends Don't Let Friends Make Eye Contact

Years of weaving through malls to avoid those annoying kiosk vendors (except that one with the no-heat curling iron…truly amazing), anyone wanting to you to fill out a survey, sign up for a credit card, or buy girl scout cookies, and just plain creepy people has taught me one important lesson: avoid eye contact at all costs. This may seem an extreme avoidance measure, but I assure you it works (except in cases of overall hotness or possessing a Kindle). Just ask yourself this…would Renesme have happened if Bella had avoided eye contact with Edward in the cafeteria that first day? Okay, well it probably woulda because Bella smelled so good, but just suspend your disbelief for a minute, ‘kay?

Case 1
One of the early converts to No Eye Contact (NEC), has plenty of horror stories from her days as a consultant. There was “first class” guy who propositioned her on her way baggage claim after talking about his wife and kids. Then there was the “watch the girls” guy who wasn’t talking about the upsurge of all-girl gangs. And one of my favorites was the “I’m going to hump your baggage on the escalator, hope you don’t mind,” guy. Really no explanation necessary. We would wait with bated breath as she regaled us with her most recent creepy guy experience and finally decided to let her in on the Secret. After repeatedly pounding the NEC motto into her head, she no longer had problems with creepy guys in the airports, but alas, we also lost out on some great lunchtime conversation.

Case 2
The most recent convert to NEC was really naïve to the ways of creepy men. Her most egregious error was made on an evening flight…she reciprocated eye contact and had an entire conversation with a man on the plane. Apparently numbers were exchanged and the next thing I knew I was on my way to dinner with them. I didn’t put two and two together when the dinner invitation was extended and didn’t know until we got there that we were meeting “airplane guy who still wasn’t divorced.” Had I only known! Okay, so he actually seemed like a nice guy, but was obviously not super-psyched that I was there, hehe. Anyway, had NEC been employed, the awkward dinner could have been avoided for all of us.

Case 3
Traveling every week gives me lots of fodder for our Mexican Friday gossip lunches. One time I dropped my bag at the luggage counter and as I bent over to pick it up, “bag quicker picker-upper” guy got to it first and looked me directly in the eyes, smiled, and said, “here you go Miss.” Immediately I thought, “Crap! Eye contact was made!” Okay, maybe not a normal response, but totally valid…after that he tried to strike up a conversation in the security line. (This is where lesson number two comes in: don’t respond to verbal assault.) Another time I had to put my laptop bag in an overhead bin a couple of rows back (blast zone 4 seating!). When it was time to deplane (yeah, deplane, it’s a word, check it out), I had to initiate eye contact and get someone to hand me my bag so I wouldn’t hold everyone up by climbing over seats, babies, and whatnot. Uh oh you are now thinking (or should be). Yes, so the little boy (okay, he was probably 19 or 20) saunters up to me and asks what hotel I’m staying in for the night and if I needed a ride. See lesson #2. Eye contact people…it just invites the crazies in!

You are so incredibly hot. I command you to look at me!

Like I said, there are some instances where NEC doesn’t work. In cases of extreme hotness, creepy guys don’t care if you don’t make eye contact. Seriously. They’re just looking at your boobs. Oh and if you have a Kindle. Case in point: I was sitting at the airport bar last week reading and drinking (my favorite pastime), and the guy next to me was all like, “Is that a Kindle?” Of course I had gotten to a particularly fascinating portion of my book, Dark Lover and didn’t want to give the guy a tour, and was like, “yup,” at which point said “not hot bar” guy practically rips the Kindle from my hands so he can look at it. Ugh, no chance to switch over to Jane Eyre. Thankfully “not hot bar” guy didn’t react to my reading selection, but still, ick.

Please tell your friends…just don’t make eye contact. It’s not safe. NEC could save your life or at least keep the not hot people out of your face.

And because I just can't get enough of Robward in Cannes (from SocialiteLife)...

Isn't he dreamy?

TwiShame: The Kindle Edition

Every Sunday while doing my grocery shopping at my local WalMart I pass by the book section and peruse the best sellers. I started seeing these simple black book covers a couple of years ago and was intrigued, but for some reason I never dared to pick one up. Something told me that it just wasn’t right. Hindsight is 20/20. Anyway, last fall I noticed my niece’s room plastered with pictures of the aforementioned “actor who had the crazy unwashed nast hair.”

Yes, I am not proud of myself, but I ridiculed the suddenly emo pre-teen. Of course, I never totally had anything Christian Slater taped on my walls at her age. I started wondering about the appropriateness of these books for my niece. Certainly these were too adult for her...I was concerned for her soul. Around the same time, I decided that I should get a Kindle. The reason I told everyone I wanted to get one was because I was traveling all the time and carrying around 2-3 books sucked; I really wanted the Kindle so I could read books that I was too embarrassed to read with the cover showing. I had an unfortunate experience a couple of years ago on a plane while reading Jennifer Weiner’s book Good In Bed (great read btw). Nuff said. Anyway, I thought, now is my time to read this Twilight book, to make sure it’s age appropriate for my niece of course. So I saved my Christmas money and my birthday money and finally got a Kindle. It arrived on my doorstep the next day, I shipped it overnight of course. I unwrapped it, caressed it, and then had to charge it before its first use. Bah, must have instant gratification! Of course, you all know what happened next. Waiting with baited breath, I downloaded my first e-book…Why We Suck…hehe seriously, by Denis Leary, it was hilarious. Still a little wary, I waited to download my secret yearning…it seemed so wrong. But I had to do it…for my niece. And then I threw caution to the wind and downloaded Twilight. I read all of the books and Midnight Sun in a week. It was crazy. You all know how it takes over your life. I barely slept. I read the books on my iPhone during meetings. (Yeah, I'm gadgety okay?) Somehow I felt like I had cheated my book reading shame. I even admitted to my niece that I was reading the books (which she totally almost ruined for me!). I was joyful…giddy even just thinking about the world of questionable reading material that was now open to me. And then one night on a crowded plane it happened…I heard a guy behind me whisper, “hey, isn’t that a Kindle?” OMG, people were going to want to see it. What was I going to do? Panic stricken, my first thought was to jam it back in my bag and hide it. Thankfully, I was saved by the bell (the plane began its descent), and I had to turn it off and put it away.

But I wondered to myself, what if I wasn’t as lucky next time? How could I not share my experience with others? Was I so selfish? Clearly not, I thought. This device had opened up so much to me. I just had to share it. Since then, I have had to expose my reading shame to hundreds of strangers. Oh, and how the shame has expanded. As B stated in an earlier post, she had to have more adult content…well, I have plenty of that on my Kindle now…definitely not suitable for my niece. Somehow I have kept my chin up…read: I downloaded a classic, Jane Eyre no less, to use as my demo book, hehe. I always look shocked at my recommendations when I show people the Kindle store…Southern Vampire Mysteries…WTF? I don’t know how that got on there…must be a glitch…sorry Amazon (go Team Eric!). So now my secret is out…the girl blushing and fanning herself while sitting next to you on the airplane reading her Kindle definitely is not reading Jane Eyre.