My Newest Acquisition

Every major vacation we take I acquire a new bag. For weeks leading up to our recent Italian holiday I plotted our stops and decided I would purchase an Italian made bag. Whenever Mr. Bitches wanted to anger me, he'd tell me I couldn't get one. Please...it's tradition, and you can't break tradition. So, after dragging Mr. Bitches to countless shops (To his credit, he was very patient and even helped. He's such a MOW. [That's Male of Worth, for those of you who don't read the Black Dagger Brotherhood Series]) in several cities, I chose a Furla Aster. It smells absolutely delicious and is incredibly soft.













Sometimes, when I'm bored, I smell it. Yea, it's sad.

The Finallys

Okay, so you all should have had plenty of time to watch the season finales or finallys (as The Soup likes to call them). Here are my thoughts on my important shows…seriously, I shush anyone who tries to interrupt my time with these lively programs.

1. Grey’s Anatomy

So, I’m not really sure why I keep watching this show, it’s so self-loathing, oh yes, now I remember. One man, Kevin McKidd. I hadn’t really seen him in anything else before, but instantly liked him when he was on for like one episode last season and was pleasantly surprised when they brought Dr. Hunt back this season. One of my recent obsessions is the Outlander series…so I truly picture Dr. Hunt as Jamie the hero of the Outlander series. Well, shall we say, it’s pretty hot and now I find myself drooling over his scenes in Grey’s. So, anyway, back to the show, looks like he and Christina are going to give it a go (yay!), Derrick and Meredith still aren’t married (I don’t care what you say about the fake vows in the locker), McSteamy is growing up, Lil’ Grey shut McSteamy down, oh yeah, and Izzie and George are probably dead(kind of relieved at this point, although, pretty much wish it were Mer and George).

2. Private Practice

OMG! Is Violet going to die (and whose baby is it already? I totally hope it’s Pete’s because I am all about some Pete bedroom action…see I can like older men, hehe)? Is Naomi really leaving the practice and what does that mean for Charlotte? And I just want to say that I am pissed that Addison cheated…ugh, again!

3. Brothers and Sisters

So the Walker clan goes to Mexico to rescue Tommy (who doesn’t want to be rescued…yeah this is what happens when you cheat on your real life wife with Sienna Miller). Anyhoo, Robert and Kitty need to break up already and anyone tired of the Justin+Rebecca thing? Yeah, me too. So, I want to know more about Ryan Lafferty (and not only because he totally could have been in Twilight).

4. CSI Miami – yeah, you’re all thinking, that’s a pretty cheese show, but alas, I *heart* Horatio Caine and his sunglasses

Okay, so WTF happened to Eric (and really you should watch this show because he is tasty even though his clothes stay on pretty much all the time). And are he and Calleigh going to seal the deal already? I have to say that this season-ender was almost as good as last season when you didn’t know if Horatio was dead or alive. Crazy! And did y’all catch Brian Austin Green?

5. Gossip Girl

XOXO…Gossip Girl goes to college. Need I say more? Oh, yeah, and Little J gets to be queen.

6. 90210

So, I couldn’t help but think how ridiculous a sophomore prom is, and I couldn’t help but compare it to the original 90210 prom when the worst things were that Kelly and Brenda wore the same dress and someone was going to have sex in the hotel. Yeah, it was a much gentler time. Now we have kids making sex tapes for class projects, older sisters sleeping with each other’s boyfriends, girls going into labor, and…wait for it…guys swapping tuxedo jackets. Oh, but that’s how Dixon found out that Ethan has a thing for Silver (I still can’t get over the fact that they call her by her last name…it’s such a guy thing). And did Annie really hit and run? Anyway, I really can’t get enough of this show…AnnaLynne McCord really is great (but heck, she was crazy good on Nip/Tuck too). So, if you don’t mind the sometimes ridiculous former stars dropping in, check it out next season. Can I say how much I am looking forward to Melrose Place? Oh, and while I was perusing the Melrose Place clips…the CW has another new show…they Vampire Diaries, hehe.

Is Robward Causing My Breakouts?

So after suffering oh, my third breakout in as many weeks, I am beginning to wonder if Robward and all things “tween” are causing my breakouts. I still remember the Neutrogena commercial with the chick from Ed when she said something along the lines of, “I thought I only had to worry about wrinkles as I got older, not breakouts too!” Man, that really shocked me. And now as I begin my third decade, not only am I freaking out about the “fine lines and wrinkles” (more like a crater the size of the Grand Canyon) around my top lip, but I’m still dealing with breakouts. I can only surmise that my recent obsession with all things Twilight (let’s face it, it’s a “tween” phenomenon) has brought on the breakouts. Bitches with her creamy, alabaster, un-pock-marked skin has even been dealing with some little nasties recently.

Not Bitches and one of the few un-gross pimple pictures/videos I came across. Seriously there is some gross stuff out there on the web.

Perhaps all of the hours hunkered over my laptop drinking soda and eating anything within reach has contributed to my skin’s rebellion. Or it could have been the move to the teenager moisturizer I did about a month ago because I’m trying to use up some old Mary Kay inventory. Perhaps it comes from sleeping in puddles of drool as I dream about me and Edward doing things so not in the books. Or maybe it’s the daydreaming whilst resting my head on my favorite Robward pics from Cannes. Ladies, fear not, these breakouts can be controlled. Seriously, Marie Claire magazine wouldn’t lie:

1. Keep your hands off your face. – What about hot sexy vampire hands?

2. Don't scrub. – But I feel dirty after reading the Twi-smut!

3. Easy on the foundation. – So maybe I went a little overboard with the white foundation…

4. Identify blemish patterns on your face. – Um, those aren’t blemish patterns…it’s just where I dream of Robward kissing me, hehe.

5. Start a treatment skincare routine. – Note to self: stop using all of your old Mary Kay crap and get new Mary Kay crap

6. Get serious about it. – Who says I’m not? I mean I’m thinking about taking a break from blog trolling so I can clear up!

Okay, so I did get serious about it the other night and put on some acne treatment gel…yeah, the burn was so good…not really, but the breakout sitch seems to be under control…until next week’s batch of pics. Hehe.

Granny Wang Gobblers

As FC and I purchased our movie tickets Monday afternoon, we bitterly cursed the rising price of admission. ($7.50 for a matinee?! What the eff?!) Now, when I say we cursed, I mean we literally swore, repeatedly. The profanity continued as we got our popcorn, drinks, and settled in. At one point, FC turned to me and said, "You know, our language has really gone downhill, I wonder if it's because of the books we've been reading recently." You know, I think she's right. Not that either of us have ever been saints in the language department, actually, quite the contrary. My husband and I call each other Bitches for goodness sakes. (We've decided this is going to cause some problems when we have kids, it's hard to instruct lil Junior to "get Bitches to help you with your homework." Oh well, we have some time to sort that out.) Plus, there are times when my potty mouth could rival a sailor. Maybe it was out of general decency or the way I was raised, but I had always held back. However, since we've begun reading our delightfully trashy novels recently, that restraint has all gone out the window. Last week, BB decided he didn't want to get his delicate feel wet (it was a rainy day) and decided peeing on the bathroom floor was a much better option. Within a thirty minute period, I walked into the bathroom three times to see a puddle on the floor. Three times! And on the third visit, I stepped in it. The sting of profanity that I yelled at that point was unlike one I had ever expressed. Within one sentence, I dropped the F-bomb at least 10 times. Truly a record for me. And it hasn't stopped there, it seems my foul mouth has been unleashed and now it's going to be very difficult to rein it in.

As if reading our minds, Twitarded posted about a gem of a book they came across recently. It's a book dedicated to help improving your cursing ability and creativity. heh. Ok, I'm off to read more trash, I'm really behind.

For your viewing pleasure...please to enjoy.

From Radaronline.com

Is 82 Too Old?

It’s not too often that an 82 year old man makes me feel like a piece of meat, but Saturday must have been my lucky day. He did a whole eye fuck and never came back to my face…say it with me people, ew, gross. But this story starts about a year ago. So let’s rewind a little shall we?

My neighbor across the street, let’s call him Mr. Horny (although I didn’t know it at the time), and I were talking about the repairs that he was having done on his roof. Innocent enough chat, or so I thought, and then out of nowhere he begins to tell me about this woman from church who came over a couple of weeks ago. He’s always telling me how the ladies are after him because at his age, the odds are in his favor. Anyway, so this lady comes over and tells him she wants to have sex with him. This is about the time I start to go into shock. So Mr. Horny continues with his story…they go back into the bedroom, they take off their clothes and get into bed. They start kissing and playin’ around (yuck), and then Mr. Horny said that he started to try and put “it” in her. Apparently some things just don’t work the way they used to (he seriously said that). And then he said the words that will I carry with me forever, “it just wouldn’t go in the hole…wouldn’t.go.in.the.hole.” Wow, I am starting to come out of my shock at this point because I begin to think, should I tell his daughter that he’s trying to have sex (she’s also my neighbor) because he probably doesn’t know about protection, or should I tell him about other things they could do, or should I tell him about Viagra? But then I thought I shouldn’t do that, I mean what if he has a heart attack? Okay, so minutes go by and he’s still yammering on and then this gem lets loose, “you know, I’m a half-millionaire.” And the statement was accompanied by the creepiest old man smile ever. Hypothetically, I always thought I could do the Anna Nicole jag, but not for a half a million, I mean really!

Okay, so, back to present day. My yard looks like the freaking Amazon because I’m scared to be caught by Mr. Horny outside and the BF only mows the grass (this doesn’t include weed whacking or anything having to do with plants or bushes). I’m about 2 days away from getting fined by the HOA because my place is one car on blocks away from the trailer park. And after calling a few companies to come out and fix up the place with no luck, I decide to spend Memorial Day weekend working in the yard. So who sidles up behind (scares the shit out of) me but Mr. Horny. Yeah, and out comes another one of his faves. “You know what’s better than one pretty lady? No, what Mr. Horny? Two pretty ladies!” Yeah, he said it (and says it just about every time I see him because I think he has the beginnings of Alzheimers). So, is 82 too old? Hell yeah, unless you’re Hugh Hefner.

Mr. Bitches Faces the Inevitable

Our den is cozily decorated with antique cameras, old motion picture cameras and framed old movie posters. I informed Mr. Bitches this afternoon of my desire for an addition to our collection, what I believe would be the perfect piece to enhance our assortment. Looking rather fearful, he asked just what that might be. So, I told him. I want a framed Twilight poster to adorn our wall so that I can gaze at it daily. *sigh* He was less than thrilled, his actual words were, "We have posters of movies like Breakfast At Tiffany's, Gone With The Wind and Singing In The Rain, movies that have shaped and spawned society, and you want to add Twilight?!" Uhh...yea, it's only like the best movie ever.

Despite his grumblings, I do believe that one day very soon, he just may come home to see Robert Pattinson's face smugly staring back at him. Only then will our room be complete.

PE Makes Friends with the Natives

After picking PE up at lunch from Bitches, it was time to introduce him to my babies.

And so the lion fell in love with the lamb...

What a stupid lamb.

What a sick masochistic lion.

Hold on spider monkey!

Do I dazzle you?

You're intoxicated by my very presence.

He looks at you...like you're something to eat.

Yes, you are exactly my brand of herion.

...and fade to black...

Hope you all enjoyed a look back at some great quotes from SM and the movie. And as if that weren't enough, courtesy of awkwardfamilyphotos.com I bring you Mommie the Pooh.

Oh, That's Cute Dear!

Since I'm going home in a little over a week, I figured I should let Mommy FC in on my little secret. She probably will have nothing to say about the blog...but after watching Twilight with me and the niece back in March, she was like, "Oh, wasn't that a cute movie!" A cute movie? Hmmm...not quite the response I expected. Mommy FC tends towards comedies and action blockbusters. I figured the niece and I would be ridiculed for the "bad" movie selection for sure (especially since we went back and forth on the movie selection for 30 minutes before I finally decided on Twilight for the niece of course!) Romance and drama really isn't her thing when it comes to movies...although she has been watching Grey's Anatomy for a while...maybe it's getting to her.

From: xxxxxxxx@hotmail.com

To: xxxxxxxxx@verizon.net; xxxxxxx@msn.com

Subject: My Blog

Date: Wed, 20 May 2009 14:28:34 -0400

Okay, so after shedding a tear for the duck story (Mommy FC pretty much only forwards emails...not much originial content as you will see), I'm sure you are ready for a good laugh. So mom (Mrs. S., you're included because you have a good sense of humor),I can't keep my blog a secret any longer, although your daughter-in-law probably already spilled the beans. Anyway, here's the link.

http://webiteprettyhard.blogspot.com

You were featured in the post entitled, "Young Men, YUM!" a couple of days ago. Yeah, your name on the blog is "Mommy FC" and no I am not going to explain the term Fire Crotch...you will have to google it. Pocket Edward will be coming home with me next week, so I figured this could be your introduction into my total lameness (or awesomeness!), hehe.

Post a comment, digg it, del.icio.us it, stumble it, become a follower, and coming soon you can become a fan on Facebook...and I totally know you have no idea what any of that stuff means, but I feel I have to at least mention it. So now you know what I do in my hotel room at night in the metropolis that is Johnson City, TN, hehe. Oh, and pass this on to your friends if you're not too embarrassed by your daughter.

Love, Fire Crotch

So today, I receive the following response from Mommy FC:

That will be great!! You will be well eaten that day (in reference to my stating that I will be going out to dinner with a friend in addition to going out to lunch with Mommy FC and Grandmom FC...yeah, I'm all about gettin me some grub...although that was not my first thought when I read this sentence...damn the TwiSmut! Thanks TWITARDED!). I’m going to go on your blog for a couple of minutes. I am trying to get the rest of the windows washed here.

Love, Mom

I'm glad to see Mommy FC making the effort, but really only a few minutes? You know she's going to get sucked in and read the whole thing. Although, it's been a couple of hours and no further response. I thought I would have gotten a quick, "Oh, that's cute dear!" At least I know that PE will definitely sparkle because of the clean windows!

And here is something that is definitely not cute. It's ridulous the kinds of things that pop up when you do a google image search for "cute"...grrr! Peeps are to be loved!

So, You're a Vegetarian?

After only 2 full business days (thanks to Amazon Prime, which I highly recommend) of waiting with bated breath...HE'S HERE! I tore open the box to see the prize that awaited me in all his custom-made pea coat, highlighted, and off-kilter butt seamed glory. I confided in FC, seeing him in person makes me feel like I've hit a new low in my obsession, however, we console one another in the fact that he's no different than Flat Stanley. Right?! I'm glad you all agree.



Of course, PE was quite hungry when he arrived from his long journey from Amazonland. So, he set his sights on Elby (from now on known as BB (Bitches' Bitch)). Here are some photos from the standoff that ensued...

Pocket Edward comes in peace, although BB would make a nice snack, wouldn't he?

BB thinks this new toy looks pretty darn tasty...

Friends Don't Let Friends Make Eye Contact

Years of weaving through malls to avoid those annoying kiosk vendors (except that one with the no-heat curling iron…truly amazing), anyone wanting to you to fill out a survey, sign up for a credit card, or buy girl scout cookies, and just plain creepy people has taught me one important lesson: avoid eye contact at all costs. This may seem an extreme avoidance measure, but I assure you it works (except in cases of overall hotness or possessing a Kindle). Just ask yourself this…would Renesme have happened if Bella had avoided eye contact with Edward in the cafeteria that first day? Okay, well it probably woulda because Bella smelled so good, but just suspend your disbelief for a minute, ‘kay?

Case 1
One of the early converts to No Eye Contact (NEC), has plenty of horror stories from her days as a consultant. There was “first class” guy who propositioned her on her way baggage claim after talking about his wife and kids. Then there was the “watch the girls” guy who wasn’t talking about the upsurge of all-girl gangs. And one of my favorites was the “I’m going to hump your baggage on the escalator, hope you don’t mind,” guy. Really no explanation necessary. We would wait with bated breath as she regaled us with her most recent creepy guy experience and finally decided to let her in on the Secret. After repeatedly pounding the NEC motto into her head, she no longer had problems with creepy guys in the airports, but alas, we also lost out on some great lunchtime conversation.

Case 2
The most recent convert to NEC was really naïve to the ways of creepy men. Her most egregious error was made on an evening flight…she reciprocated eye contact and had an entire conversation with a man on the plane. Apparently numbers were exchanged and the next thing I knew I was on my way to dinner with them. I didn’t put two and two together when the dinner invitation was extended and didn’t know until we got there that we were meeting “airplane guy who still wasn’t divorced.” Had I only known! Okay, so he actually seemed like a nice guy, but was obviously not super-psyched that I was there, hehe. Anyway, had NEC been employed, the awkward dinner could have been avoided for all of us.

Case 3
Traveling every week gives me lots of fodder for our Mexican Friday gossip lunches. One time I dropped my bag at the luggage counter and as I bent over to pick it up, “bag quicker picker-upper” guy got to it first and looked me directly in the eyes, smiled, and said, “here you go Miss.” Immediately I thought, “Crap! Eye contact was made!” Okay, maybe not a normal response, but totally valid…after that he tried to strike up a conversation in the security line. (This is where lesson number two comes in: don’t respond to verbal assault.) Another time I had to put my laptop bag in an overhead bin a couple of rows back (blast zone 4 seating!). When it was time to deplane (yeah, deplane, it’s a word, check it out), I had to initiate eye contact and get someone to hand me my bag so I wouldn’t hold everyone up by climbing over seats, babies, and whatnot. Uh oh you are now thinking (or should be). Yes, so the little boy (okay, he was probably 19 or 20) saunters up to me and asks what hotel I’m staying in for the night and if I needed a ride. See lesson #2. Eye contact people…it just invites the crazies in!

You are so incredibly hot. I command you to look at me!

Like I said, there are some instances where NEC doesn’t work. In cases of extreme hotness, creepy guys don’t care if you don’t make eye contact. Seriously. They’re just looking at your boobs. Oh and if you have a Kindle. Case in point: I was sitting at the airport bar last week reading and drinking (my favorite pastime), and the guy next to me was all like, “Is that a Kindle?” Of course I had gotten to a particularly fascinating portion of my book, Dark Lover and didn’t want to give the guy a tour, and was like, “yup,” at which point said “not hot bar” guy practically rips the Kindle from my hands so he can look at it. Ugh, no chance to switch over to Jane Eyre. Thankfully “not hot bar” guy didn’t react to my reading selection, but still, ick.

Please tell your friends…just don’t make eye contact. It’s not safe. NEC could save your life or at least keep the not hot people out of your face.

And because I just can't get enough of Robward in Cannes (from SocialiteLife)...

Isn't he dreamy?

Don't Tell Mr. Bitches but...

In a severe moment of weakness, I did it. I ordered an Edward Cullen doll. Part of me is excited. The other part of me is extremely embarrassed of myself. What am I, 12?! Oh yeah...and I got one for FC, too. So we can play together, of course.

It's Edward time Bitches!

I informed Mr. Bitches of my purchase to receive an eye roll accompanied by a "Whatever."

Did I mention I was excited?!

Scorned Lover

There was a time when I prided myself on being a fairly well rounded individual when it came to current events. I'd usually start my day with some CNN to see what was going on in the world, then make my way over to US Magazine and People to see who was knocked up and who had split up. My other trollings would take me to TMZ and the NY Times. Every time a new political scandal broke or spring breaker went missing, I was on top of it and followed the story until the body was found or the political figure was cleared of any wrong doing, naturally.

Current events hasn't been the only area of my life to suffer. Tivo's have taken a terrible hit as well. Every day I see the long list of Oprah, Gossip Girl and 90210's glaring back at me like a scorned lover. I keep making promises, telling myself that tomorrow will be the day I give them my undivided attention, but that has yet to happen. Mr. Bitches had to all but threaten me last week to watch American Idol and we're still a week behind.I realized I had a problem recently when my coworker expressed her delight of Drew Peterson's arrest for the muder of his 3rd wife. This is a story that I had followed for quite some time so the fact I had missed such a huge development was a big wake up call. This has happened repeatedly over the last month and it's all Twilight's fault. I say it's all Twilight's fault because that's what began my downward spiral. After completing Twilight I just couldn't stop! After an appropriate period of mourning (2 days) I took FC's advice and began the Southern Vampire Mystery series and now I've moved onto Outlander (in which FC has promised me much adult content...horray!). And, when I'm not reading, I'm trolling the internet in an attempt to score more Twilight scoop. Now, instead of reading the news I find myself religiously checking my favorite blogs for up to the minute Twilight happenings. I personally recommend TwiCrackAddict for it's very informative nature and TwilightWidower's and Twitarded for their pee yourself humor. Well, enough of that. FC just informed me I have another couple hundred pages to go until I get to the especially salacious bits of Outlander.

Speaking of internet trollings, I just couldn't help myself. It cracks me up every time.

Young Men, YUM!

So mommy FC couldn't stop gushing over Justin Timberlake on SNL last week. (I'm thinking we might need an intervention if I find pictures of JT plastered on her bedroom wall like the niece). Being that I'm always behind on my shows, I just watched it today. This clip really spoke to me. Please to enjoy.

So back to cute younger guys, um, sorry forgot, we weren't talking about them. But I just saw that movie 17 Again with Zac Efron, wow, cute right? He is kind of "pretty boyish," but whatev. Bitches' younger sister was right...I kind of feel bad for making fun of her...eh, not really (yes, I tend to ridicule my loved ones for crazy fan girl tendancies). And of course there is the beloved RPattz, but seriously, I'm all about some Jackson Rathbone.

I even suggested to Bitches that we go to the Twitour in Atlanta, but alas, someone just went to Italy (missing the Volturi shooting of course) and can't take any more time off from work. Boo...but maybe I will just go without Bitches and have Jackson all to myself, hehe. So now I'm thinking that I need an intervention for my inappropriate younger crushes. I am so my mother's daughter.

Three of My Favorite Things and Other Random Stuff

The Soup, Gossip Girl, and Twilight. This clip is old, but it makes me happy.

I found this great item on Amazon for Bitches the other day...I think she would look fabulous with the Edward wig, don't you? Please leave a comment...and yes I know my Photoshop abilities are pretty lacking...

And for the WTF files...according to Kate Gosselin, "everybody wants it." Wants what? Oh her hair, according to People magazine. Obviously she didn't see #3 on the top 5 reasons why Jon "allegedly" cheated. According to Yahoo!, searches on her hair are up 1,865% in the past month and this week searches are up 679%.

Oh, and I need to update with my recent purse (or if you're from southeast PA, pockabook) purchase. Just a note if you want to buy this beautiful Patent Sabrina Coach purse, it's actually purple, not blue. All of the girls liked it when I brought it to lunch today.

Beginning to Wonder if 1500 Text Messages a Month is Enough

So after I text B this morning to find out if she is finished with book #9 of the Southern Vampire Mysteries (a.k.a. Sookie Stackhouse series), she asks which series she should start next. Not feeling up to texting, I sent the following email (abbreviated because it got really long):

I really like Outlander. But I was really curious about the Black Dagger Brotherhood series and figured I could take a couple of days off to read one of the books. Which do you read next? Well, it's really what you’re in the mood for. If you’ve had enough of vampires and want a little bit more of a reading challenge, then go with Outlander. Seriously, Jamie and Claire are awesome...better even than Bella and Edward.

It's a little slow in the beginning...I was kind of like WTF, when does she go back in time? And don't worry this isn't sci-fi or anything. The biggest drawback...it's really long (870 pages peeps). But on the plus side there is some good sex in the book...I seriously had to stop reading and fan myself after one of the scenes...just a little embarrassing. Here's one of the one-star reviews that clinched it for me (from C. Knight "book dork"...seriously, that's his name on Amazon): "I can't believe I read the whole thing. I kept hoping there would be something historical, something meaningful, something interesting. But no, it was talk talk talk, sex sex sex and one nasty beating after another. AWFUL! Don't bother."

On the other side of the coin is BDB. The first book is called...wait for it...Dark Lover! It's a quick read like the SVM books and quite enjoyable. The vampires are very different from the Twilight and Sookie vampires. Completely different rules (although they are big into smells like in Twilight). The main character kind of reminds me of Eric in some ways...not entirely sure why. And holy crap, there is a lot of sex in this book...a...lot. I went into full body blush reading some of the scenes last night...too bad I was all by myself, haha. Okay, TMI, I know, sorry. The biggest drawback with this book is the character names. If you can stop giggling long enough to read, you will be okay (examples: Wrath, Tohrment, Zsadist, Rhage, etc.).

After learning that B still has not completed #9, but will more than likely finish tonight, we continued texting:

FC: You better order something on amazon today dude

B: are the covers super embarrassing? (Think B was embarrassed about going to the YA section for her Twilight fix? It was nothing compared to how embarrassed she was by going to the Romance section for the SVM books)

FC: Outlander no bdb yes…Well if you have to go to the store then you need to get Outlander. The cover for Dark Lover is tres embarrassing. (yeah, I’m going old school with the faux-French…seriously I feel like a teenager more and more every day) Total porn covers. I am embarrassed just looking at them on amazon.

B: oh my…but i‘m also being pulled in by the sex of blackdagger! such a quandary…sweet lord…how will I ever read them here at lunch?!

FC: The sex in blackdagger is good but the sex in outlander is good in a “this man is your master” kind of way that I oddly thought was totally hot

B: that oddly does sound totally hot…wow, we’re so dirty, haha…I love it…just saw the dark lover cover…oh my, bad although not AS bad as I expected…I’d expected the typical romance novel cover w/ a bare chested Fabio carrying some fair maiden to safety heh

FC: Okay well whatever. I still think it’s embarrassing.

B: this is my tentative plan…go to b&n (*still wondering why B always waits until she is almost finished a book before ordering another and then submitting herself to sure embarrassment by going to a real store*) and purchase outlander…place an amazon order for some blackdagger to put in my queue

FC: Sounds good

B: now…after I finish the 1st outlander will I have an overwhelming urge to start the next? Or will I be able to take some time for blackdagger?

FC: I definitely wanted to start the second but after reading it I can tell you that it’s okay to take a break (B will need it because the 2nd book is over 900 pages!)

B: cool…I’m beginning to think I need a kindle simply for my smut books (FC worries that Mr. B will become tres bitchy if B gets a kindle and doesn’t take care of her “chores”)

…Later in the day…
B: Hey, off the top of your head, do you know the author of outlanders name

FC: Diana gabaldon

B: awesome, thanks…score…and it wasn’t embarrassing…it looks like a half decent respectable book

FC: I know!

B: I informed Mr. B an amazon order is being placed this evening and to get his desires in order (*hoping B means book ordering desires*)

TwiShame: The Kindle Edition

Every Sunday while doing my grocery shopping at my local WalMart I pass by the book section and peruse the best sellers. I started seeing these simple black book covers a couple of years ago and was intrigued, but for some reason I never dared to pick one up. Something told me that it just wasn’t right. Hindsight is 20/20. Anyway, last fall I noticed my niece’s room plastered with pictures of the aforementioned “actor who had the crazy unwashed nast hair.”

Yes, I am not proud of myself, but I ridiculed the suddenly emo pre-teen. Of course, I never totally had anything Christian Slater taped on my walls at her age. I started wondering about the appropriateness of these books for my niece. Certainly these were too adult for her...I was concerned for her soul. Around the same time, I decided that I should get a Kindle. The reason I told everyone I wanted to get one was because I was traveling all the time and carrying around 2-3 books sucked; I really wanted the Kindle so I could read books that I was too embarrassed to read with the cover showing. I had an unfortunate experience a couple of years ago on a plane while reading Jennifer Weiner’s book Good In Bed (great read btw). Nuff said. Anyway, I thought, now is my time to read this Twilight book, to make sure it’s age appropriate for my niece of course. So I saved my Christmas money and my birthday money and finally got a Kindle. It arrived on my doorstep the next day, I shipped it overnight of course. I unwrapped it, caressed it, and then had to charge it before its first use. Bah, must have instant gratification! Of course, you all know what happened next. Waiting with baited breath, I downloaded my first e-book…Why We Suck…hehe seriously, by Denis Leary, it was hilarious. Still a little wary, I waited to download my secret yearning…it seemed so wrong. But I had to do it…for my niece. And then I threw caution to the wind and downloaded Twilight. I read all of the books and Midnight Sun in a week. It was crazy. You all know how it takes over your life. I barely slept. I read the books on my iPhone during meetings. (Yeah, I'm gadgety okay?) Somehow I felt like I had cheated my book reading shame. I even admitted to my niece that I was reading the books (which she totally almost ruined for me!). I was joyful…giddy even just thinking about the world of questionable reading material that was now open to me. And then one night on a crowded plane it happened…I heard a guy behind me whisper, “hey, isn’t that a Kindle?” OMG, people were going to want to see it. What was I going to do? Panic stricken, my first thought was to jam it back in my bag and hide it. Thankfully, I was saved by the bell (the plane began its descent), and I had to turn it off and put it away.

But I wondered to myself, what if I wasn’t as lucky next time? How could I not share my experience with others? Was I so selfish? Clearly not, I thought. This device had opened up so much to me. I just had to share it. Since then, I have had to expose my reading shame to hundreds of strangers. Oh, and how the shame has expanded. As B stated in an earlier post, she had to have more adult content…well, I have plenty of that on my Kindle now…definitely not suitable for my niece. Somehow I have kept my chin up…read: I downloaded a classic, Jane Eyre no less, to use as my demo book, hehe. I always look shocked at my recommendations when I show people the Kindle store…Southern Vampire Mysteries…WTF? I don’t know how that got on there…must be a glitch…sorry Amazon (go Team Eric!). So now my secret is out…the girl blushing and fanning herself while sitting next to you on the airplane reading her Kindle definitely is not reading Jane Eyre.

The So Not Green Platinum Wedding

So, after two weeks away from my lover, and by lover I mean TiVo, I've been trying hard to watch my "important” shows before they're deleted. For all you TiVoeans, you know what missing two weeks is like. Sorry, back to the point. If you enjoy watching people spend craploads of money on huge weddings that I'm just confident will stand the test of time (*roll eyes here*), then Platinum Weddings on WeTV is the show for you. This particular episode was a bit disturbing, not because WeTV always seems to be 2 minutes behind and I inevitably have to hear about "Briiiiiiiiiiidezillas!", but because this half-million dollar wedding was supposed to be green. A green Platinum Wedding? Indeed...Alexis and Noah were undoubtedly going to have the coolest green wedding on the planet. Even before the first commercial break my mind was ablaze with a plethora of green ideas: burlap bridesmaid dresses, flowers recycled from a funeral, seedlings as wedding favors and a tofu cake (is tofu green?). So how do you actually manage to burn through $500,000 when everything is supposed to be green (reduce, reuse, recycle, right peeps?). I soon found out...apparently, Alexis and Noah felt that printing their menus on 100% recycled paper and reusing some...yes, I said SOME, of the linens from her sister's wedding in the dessert room (yes, an entire room devoted to yummy deliciousness) counted as being "green." Apart from the minimal use of flowers (in this case, minimal = $15,000) everything else was on par with the usual fare for Platinum Weddings. I mean, couldn't she have at least re-fashioned her mom's wedding dress instead of having thousands of sweatshop workers’ tears Swarovski crystals sewn onto her body suit (yup, I said body suit). In all fairness, the food was all locally grown (I need to visit these farms in downtown D.C.), and I'm sure that all of the leftovers went to a dumpster homeless shelter. Our environmentally friendly couple wanted to show their friends and family that you can have a fabulous wedding and still be nice to the planet. Amen. Oh, and the 45K worth of lighting was absolutely dreamy!

TwiShame

People don't snort their first line in pursuit of becoming an addict. This is how I feel about my shameful addiction that all began in mid April a couple weeks after FC casually mentioned a book she had recently enjoyed. Since we have similar tastes and have been swapping books for years, I was mighty curious. The answer shocked me. Twilight. What the eff?! Wasn't that the movie that legions of hormonal teenage girls were obsessed with and the movie with the actor who had the crazy unwashed nast hair?! Indeed it was. I have to say, I am rarely one to judge, however, I was feeling kind of judgy. For the next couple of weeks FC pursued me like Charlie Sheen chasing a hooker while I continued to mock her for her new infatuation. She sat with uncontained excitement and a gleam in her eye as I opened the gift she'd given me for my birthday. Lo and behold, it was the first installment of the series. I crap you not, the next morning at 8am the text arrived, "Dude, have you started Twilight yet?!" My first reaction was, "Dude, quit sweatin’ me!" So, I promised to start it soon. That evening, my love affair began. Before I'd even finished it I plotted to get the next book. On my lunch break I hoofed it to Barnes & Noble and made a beeline for the Fiction section. No luck. Then I made my way over to the Science Fiction section. Again, no luck. I started to panic - I MUST have it immediately! Having limited time and desperately wanting to get back to my office to continue reading, I did the unthinkable - I asked. I pretty near peed myself when I was told "Oh, that's in the teen section." I attempted to seem nonchalant and make no eye contact as I quickly snatched up New Moon when a gal a couple years older than me conspiratorially told me the series was half-off at Wal Mart. I initially felt some relief until she said "I bought the set for my daughter the other day." Well then. Feeling rather faint, I quickly grabbed my book and raced to the cashier. I then ran like a bat outta hell to my car. This fix not lasting long, two days later I was faced with the same situation yet again. I ended up going to 3 stores in pursuit of my next score. Along the way, I ran into another older gal who felt equally ashamed of her addiction, and we consoled one another like only a fellow Twilight lover can. By the end of the week, I'd completed all four books. During that week, I had abstained from any internet trolling for fear of spoilers. So, once I'd completed the series the floodgates opened and FC directed me to Twitarded, TwiCrackAddict, Twilight Widower, and a host of other delightful sources for my Twilight fix. It's been happily ever after ever since.

Well, almost. I have to admit it wasn't without guilt. Poor Mr. Bitches suffered terribly that week (and the next couple of weeks due to my next obsession all thanks again to FC. Although, this time I didn't balk one bit at her suggestion, more about that later). He suffered without my company (a considerable and overwhelming loss) while I was locked away demanding silence. He also went without his usual tasty home cooked meals in favor of quickly thrown together dishes, that is, when I cooked at all. He definitely deserves some extra special adult fun.

*I do have one grievance, though. The culmination of Bella & Edward's relationship didn’t satisfy me. Like the addict I had become, I needed something stronger. I pounded my fists in frustration and cursed YA all the while promising myself that my next reading choice would most definitely include some adult content. Oh, and it did.

"Alleged" Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater

We all gasped when US Magazine proclaimed Jon Gosselin of John & Kate Plus 8 a cheater. Some of us gasped out of shock, others, myself included, figured it had been a train wreck waiting to happen. Look at Nick & Jessica, Travis Barker & Shanna Moakler, both seemingly happy couples whose relationships crashed and burned after putting them on display for all to view. Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, better known as Speidi don't have a prayer, but that's a whole other topic. And of course, there were a few unbelievers, a very dear bosom pal of mine included. The truth is, it's in US Magazine people! And, as well all know, US Magazine is *rarely* ever wrong! When Brad Pitt replaced Jennifer Aniston and later knocked up Angelina Jolie, who brought us that news? US Magazine. When Madonna tossed aside Guy Ritchie in favor of A-Rod, who brought us that update? Again, US Magazine. Did I mention they are *almost* never wrong? So we got to thinking , why did Jon cheat on Kate? Firstly, we must admit to ourselves (Yes, My Flower, I am speaking to you. However, I must applaud you in your efforts to cling to hope of Jon's virtue) that he did indeed stray. Yes, I admit, the evidence is circumstantial, however, quite damning. Let me put it this way, if Mr. Bitches was caught gallivanting about at 2am in a drunken stupor with an even remotely doable maiden whilst I was on the other side of the country hocking my newest book as well as caught on video mid-walk of shame from said doable maiden's abode in the wee hours of the morn, I would have to conclude that Mr. Bitches had in fact made sweet sweet love to another. And, this isn't even taking into account the mistress's brother outing them and their "nast" unions all thanks to "thin walls." Heh. With that all cleared up, let's get down to why he would go out and score some strange. We've compiled a list of the top five reasons:

5. He wanted to see if there had been any changes since he'd last had sex.
4. He got tired of trying to hold his breath.
3. He was tired of being poked in the eye by her spiky hair.
2. He likes it "Nast."

AND...the #1 reason why Jon "allegedly" strayed:

1. He had a coupon.

Yes, Kate was on the Today Show recently claiming she doesn't believe the allegations and "takes everything with a grain of salt." Hmmm...or, is it maybe that she very much does know that Jon's been getting around but isn't willing to give up all the piles of cash flowing in and her new found fame? Maybe, and even I must admit this is rather tacky to even think on my part...in the back of her mind she's thinking "Oh, snap, all this publicity can only help bolster my book sales!" Yea, probably not. Anyhow, back to her denial. She very much does know he's been gettin' it on the side (however, is it considered "on the side" if you weren't getting any in the first place? Just a thought) and since splitting up would wreak havoc on their family and their poor kiddos, perhaps they are going to make an attempt to continue the charade. Not that Jon will get away scot-free. We should scour him in future episodes. I have a feeling he bruises like a delicate peach.

OOOh, one last thought. I wonder if Kate is secretly kicking herself for encouraging (ok, demanding) Jon's hair plugs which only left him more desirable and heightened his allure - that is, if you're into a married father of eight with a wife prone to outbursts. Hey, I don't judge. And do you think he's lost weight? Mr. Bitches says that's one of the first warning signs of extracurricular activities for men. For women, it's matching bras and panties. Heh.

Don't Judge Us

Inspired by the likes of Twitarded and TwiCrack Addict, we've decided to start our own blog. While we both are deeply and irrationally in love with all things Twilight, we have made sure to make time for our other loves as well. These loves include, but aren't limited to, books, celebrity gossip, and purses. Please note that while we will do our best to keep our content PG (ok, fine, PG-13, who are we kidding?), at times we will be unable to help ourselves in the name of humor. Because of this, some posts may be rated TV-MA LSV. Admit it though, the trashier the better. And, if you don't, and you're easily offended, we suggest you take your blog-trolling elsewhere and not come crying to us.

Sincerely,

Bitches and Fire Crotch (aka FC)

P.S. Thanks IBitePrettyHard for allowing us to ride your coat tails.