Earth to US Weekly: Megan Fox Makes Me Baby Barf

As I was perusing my copy of The Sexy Stars of Twilight New Moon edition the other night I gasped. Wondering what was wrong, Mommy FC scampered over to the couch to see what could have upset me so. (She had already looked through the entire bookazine and still 3 days later can't get over baby Tay Tay's muscles at the nubile age of 17.) What made me start dry heaving while looking at the Precious II? Surely not the high school yearbook pics of the cast and Stephenie Meyer, or Tay Tay's dad "cheering" on the Red Wings, or the Rachelle v. Bryce as Victoria pictoral smackdown. So what was it? A small picture of Megan Fox leering over Rob with the quote, "I would eat Rob Pattinson so that I could steal some of that pretty." GAG!

I'm not sure what happened to me, but when I came to this crazy bitch was clutching my hand and whispering about stealing my pretty.
Why oh why oh why did US Weekly have to marr the wonderment of this magazine with Megan Fox? I baby barfed in my mouth a little. I told Mommy FC that I hate Megan Fox, and then she said, "FC, hate is a strong word, I know you don't mean that." Wow, I have been away from home a long time. I do hate Megan Fox. She is just ridiculous. When I picture hell (don't tell me you haven't), Megan Fox is sitting at the right hand of Beelzebub, scantily clad with a whip. Why she needs a whip, I have no idea because she is just going to drive you to utter madness with her crazy talk.

I never convinced Mommy FC that it's really okay to hate Megan Fox (but mentioning that she has a 22" waist did seem to tip the scales in my favor). Here's hoping that Megan Fox falls down a hole and journeys to the center of the earth until after the Sexy Stars of Twilight Breaking Dawn edition comes out.

New Moon Nightmare

After realizing last week that I may have to work the night of the New Moon premiere, my level of angst over the movie has risen to DEFCON 2. Prior to reclaiming my Twiginity, I watched the original New Moon trailer and was somewhat dazzled (not just because of the prime JBone screen time). My hopes were high, and I couldn't contain my excitement over the movie. But as time has gone on, doubt has crept into my mind. The same person who wrote the Twilight screenplay also wrote New Moon and now Eclipse. And we all know how Twilight turned out. How many movies have you watched where the best parts are in the trailer and what's left in the movie just sucks? What if that happens with New Moon? I think I might die. So yeah, I'm kind of freaking out.

So when I woke up in a cold sweat the other night clutching my bosom and breathing heavily, you can understand my state of mind.

Well, I wish sexsomnia was my problem...yeah it's apparently a real sleep disorder. Wiki that shit.

No, I had a nightmare about the movie. Bitches and I were at the premiere with our WBPH t-shirts, action figures, cameras, and peanut M&Ms to use as ammunition against unruly tweens. We were finally allowed to file into the theater after waiting outside for hours. We scurried up to the top row in the middle (we were first in line natch) and readied ourselves for the movie event of 2009. While the previews played, Bitches shushed the tweens into silent submission, and then *gasp* it BEGAN! The movie started out okay, but as time went on, it morphed into some sick and demented movie featuring Megan Fox where she ate Edward. I wanted to claw my eyes out and gnaw my fingernails off. Yeah, so the cold sweat and unstable breathing was totally called for, no?

Luckily, we are still 59 days away from the premiere and Megan Fox has just bombed at the box office. I think it's safe to say that she won't be making an appearance in New Moon. Perhaps I need to chill a little and take an Ambien before bed.

Attention Network Execs!

I have come up with the perfect combination for a new TV series. Humor me for a few moments if you will. I think once you have heard me out, you will see the ultimate genius of my idea and immediately order 26 episodes for the fall season. I like to think of it as a Facts of Life remake.



Description:
Picture it, Miami Beach, Florida present day. A group of bad-ass teens (who are of course easy-on-the-eyes) attend boarding school in one of the hottest destinations in America. But this isn't just any group of teens, they are hard-living (drink Jack and Jose, no Cosmos for them and ride Harleys), trust-fund darlings who all have an important secret: they are offspring of some of the oldest vampire families in the world. And this isn't just any boarding school...they will be groomed to infiltrate the highest levels of society. But one woman alone seeks to destroy them. Let's follow the ups and downs of teenage life (think drug ODs, unexpected pregnancies, murder, and general mayhem in South Beach).

Cast:
What I'm looking for is Gossip Girl but with a little more edge. Maybe one of the Olsen twins, Ali Lohan, Brody Jenner...the possibilities are truly endless. For the nemesis character, I'm thinking Megan Fox. People would like to see the shit kicked out of her on a weekly basis. Plus it will pull in the mae 18-34 demographic as well. I think Heather Locklear would be perfect as the head mistress (à la Mrs. Garrett).



Music:
I'm definitely feeling Pitbull's I Know You Want Me. I think he will be all in for a remix for the opening credits, no?

As remakes go, this will be even bigger than both 90210 and Melrose Place. I've pulled together the holy trinity of what is hot right now: Vampires+Boarding School+Miami = tops in the Nielsen ratings. I'm looking at you ABC Family...this is truly a "new kind of family" and would totally fit in with your programming (or at least put you head-to-head with the CW).

**Special thanks goes out to my girl Memory_Jean. You helped spawn this idea...let's make it a reality together!**

New Moon Trailer Demographic?

Bitches and I have gone back to our movie-whore roots and have been going out to the movies practically every weekend. A couple of weeks ago I heard that the New Moon trailer might be shown with The Proposal. Well, we didn't go right out and see The Proposal and only saw it yesterday. In the meantime Bitches saw the New Moon trailer (*she assures me this an entirely different experience than seeing it on MTV or on YouTube*). Guess what movie she saw the trailer with? Just guess? Here's a hint.

And yes this is a Transformer unicorn-style. Hey, I've been reading Wide Awake, so cut me some slack, 'kay?!?

So, I just have to ask, who are they appealing to by showing the New Moon trailer during Transformers? Obviously to the girlfriends/wives/sisters that were dragged caveman style into the movie theater. I mean seriously, I'm not that excited about Josh Duhamel, and we all know that Megan Fox can't act.

After sitting through 7 trailers, each time Bitches and I were ready to squee into the safe darkness of the movie theater, no New Moon trailer. I almost walked out, but remembered Ryan Reynolds and nekkedness. Okay, so the movie was cute and enjoyable as most Sandra Bullock movies are, but seriously how messed up is it that one of the trailers was another Sandra Bullock movie?

Who do I have to frak (geek-speak for fuck) at AMC to see the New Moon trailer on the big screen? I am part of the more aged demographic, but hell, I see all of those movies that little girls see. Perhaps, with Harry Potter? I guess I will be off to the movies again this weekend!