Rant Wednesday - It's Been a Fortnight

So many things to rant about, but I will keep it short and Twilight-related this week. Bitches and I were emailing back and forth the other night in bleary-eyed frenzies about funny blogs we happend along. This convo quickly degenerated into me throwing around the F-bomb and complaining about a recent interwebs purchase. After having just spoken to SIL FC and hearing her uncontained excitement at receiving her beloved Twilight jewelry box set (collector's item indeed), I was pissed at Lands' End. Yeah, I hadn't ordered anything from them in like 10 years, but they lured me in with promises of 40% off and free shipping. I quickly chose my items and clicked purchase. That was almost two weeks ago and still nothing. Bitches comes back with this gem:

Dude, jewelry can travel halfway accross the freakin' world in a couple days, but your Lands' End swimsuit can't cross the state line in a fortnight?! That's crap.

Bitches really does say things like this on a daily basis and it never ceases to amaze me. Anyhoo, I finally checked the order status and UPS will have it on my doorstep no later than today. How is it possible that SIL FC can get her jewelry from freaking London, England in 4 days and I have to wait 2 weeks for a skirt and a bathing suit that I will probably have to return? Oh Amazon Prime, how you have ruined me for all regular online shipping!

This is an exact likeness of me...except add red hair, cottage cheese thighs, and oodles of freckles...oh and wipe the shit-eating grin off her face.

Good Cop, Bad Cop?

Last week SIL (sister-in-law noobs) FC sends me an email about this Twilight themed jewelry set that she just has to have. This coming from the woman who put off reading Twilight for months and then gobbled up the entire series up in 4 days mere weeks ago and is threatening bodily harm to the person who ruined Midnight Sun. Anyway, I ignored the first email thinking that surely she would come to her senses, but then on Monday morning I get the following email.

Subject: Happy Monday
Date: Mon, 22 Jun 2009 07:03:28 -0400
From: SIL FC
To: Fire Crotch
I am afraid I am losing my internal battle to not buy that jewelry set I was telling you about last week. It is $150 (which is $50 more than I expected). I SO DON’T NEED IT!!!! But it keeps calling me! I see them for a lot more than that at other places, so I am wondering if I should just buy it and gift it to myself for Christmas (yah I know 6 months from now). I have not told Brother FC, but then again he can’t say crap cause he has those lightsabers (seriously? I had no idea he was such a nerd) he loves so much and they were just as expensive! What is your opinion on my craziness?

So obviously my SIL is in crisis, I mean, Twilight jewelry? I'm not hatin' or anything, but c'mon. I can only imagine that it's pretty cheap looking and probably won't help with ming reading. Plus, can I live with myself if she has Twilight merch that I don't? But am I ready to shell out that kind of money? So I shoot off the following email.

From: Fire Crotch
Sent: Monday, June 22, 2009 12:46 PM
To: SIL FC
Subject: RE: Happy Monday
I can definitely say, don't get the jewelry set (this coming from the girl who now has 3 Twilight dolls). I just hope that I am not too late. I mean seriously now, are you going to wear it for real? And wouldn't you like to put that money towards something else? If you really want, I now have 2 Cullen crests, so I could make earrings out of them if you would like.

Image by GeekMom Heather via Flickr

Fortunately SIL FC backed down and decided that she should back away from the computer and save her money for something else. I can only imagine the ridicule she would endure from the niece (her daughter) who started the Twilight mania. So, did I do this because I really believed that SIL FC was nuts for spending $150 on Twilight merch (good cop) or was I secretly coveting the jewels and wanted them all to myself (bad cop)? Hmmm...we'll have to see what Amazon is delivering later this week, heh!

Comment or DIAFOC (just try and figure that one out, I dare you!).